The end sum of 10 years.

The list of the accomplishments I have achieved in the last 10 years that I the most proud of, which are, for the most part, non-sexual.

In no particular order .


1. In the first week of my freshman year in High School, I was asked to leave the room in 7 of the 9 classes I took.

Including gym.

I had grown close to half a foot between the end of 8th and the beginning of 9th. Meaning I was full in the throws of puberty, and when I came to high school, I was still in the loose summer attitude, and came in guns blazing. My first class was Spanish. When roll call came around, she announced “David Turner?” I shouted OLÉ. Brought down the house. It wasn’t this that did it, it was two days later, when I put on the giant Mexican hat in the back of the class, pulled down the brim of the hat so it looked like an oversize rice-picker, and did the “doo-doo-do-do-dum-dum-dum” Chinese melody from Looney Tunes. The teacher had enough.

I got kicked out of math for flipping paper clips with a ruler, theater for shouting Band Nerds to the band class from outside their window, Non Western Civ for an ethnic slur, Speech for moving that we dedicate a class to talking about the movies we saw over the summer instead, Health for laughing too hard during the Anorexia/ Bulimia film, and in gym, for spiking the ball at full power at a short girl.

2. Body slamming a girl at a college party, which caused her to seriously injure her arm to the point it prevented her from fooling around with my friend. (A year later, we fooled around for a bit, that was interesting)

3. Telling Harvey Weinstein that The Talented Mr. Ripley sucked after a sneak preview.

4. Hitting a full court shot in basketball (probably the best moment of my life)

5. Having sex with a girl within 25 minutes of meeting her. (Today, it’d be 50/50 if I could pick her out of a line up, and she was very attractive)

6. Scoring a jumping header as a Sophomore against Heritage Christian, which tied the game.

7. Setup: At my last job, I was both doorman and occasional bellman at the hotel. When it was slow, we used to do voices and play games a la Super Troopers. I would occasionally do the Charles Bronson voice. So one day, I started with the standard Bronson esque:

“Can I help you?”
“Is there self parking”
“No dice.”
“So, valet only?”
“Only if you want to keep the car.”

Usually, I would hand the guest off to another worker, but seeing as he just left, I had to check them in myself. Which meant I had to continue with the voice. As I am unloading the bags, I am still going with the pitter-patter, “This bag needs a fixin’ ” and “Those shoes must hurt.” Eventually, the woman started to giggle about my voice, guessing it was fake. She asked, what kind of accent did I have. I came up with:

“My father was from Fargo. He hated the accent, and came up with this, I guess I picked it up from him.”

Honest to God, I went on like this for close to 10 minutes.

8. Getting an A+ in a 400 level class in College. I always thought that was unattainable, especially at a university. (I’ll post it one of these days)

9. Making out with a woman from the Denmark Olympian crew team.

10. Walking into a class my Junior year where I had hooked up with 6 of the 14 girls over the course of my 3 years at school. Just awkward for all.

11. Getting caught peeing on a girls house, only to respond with “I was punched in the kidney’s earlier tonight” to get her off my back.

12. Pitching not one, but two perfect games in Beer Pong. (One solo, one with Drewz)

13. Finishing a game of Windows Solitaire in 55 seconds (Vegas Rules, three card draw) and topping 50 million in windows pinball (I could have gotten more, but I had to leave work)

14. Killing a full keg with 6 other friends in one night. We were hugging it out at the end.

15. Telling a girl who was yelling loudly at a party that “Short, loud, annoying girls are POISON for parties.”