The tale of Nazi Sharks
While I am writing a few other posts, I figured I'd fill the space by posting an old favorite of mine, something I wrote back in 2001 for a writing class. It truly was a different era.
The aim of the writing exercise was to have something hidden, I think.
The format doesn't work that well in the blogosphere, but who cares.
INT - HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF PI OFFICE. - RAINY NIGHT
The ambiance is smoky and dark. There are sounds of THUNDER outside, as well as heavy RAIN. There is a door to the other room that has the name Castor Pollax, private investigator. The waiting room is sparsely decorated and populated. A faceless, buxom and attractive WOMAN walks into the room. She enters the office without knocking.
INT. PI OFFICE. CONT’D
CASTOR POLLAX is sitting in his chair. He turns around when he hears the door open. He is in his late 30’s, and seems worn out by life. The lines on his face are sharp, as is his wit. He eyes the woman up and down. He makes a decision before she speaks.
CASTOR
I ain’t gonna to take ya’ case. I don’t do spousal investigation.
WOMAN
I haven’t even told you about the case.
CASTOR
I don’t need ta. I have seen your type a thousand times. Every broad like yous seems to think her husband has a dame on the side. The dough’s good, but ever since one case I don’t do em no more.
He pulls a shot glass and a whiskey bottle from a drawer. He quickly pours a shot and takes it down.
WOMAN
Well, I’m afraid it’s a little bit more complicated. They are involved.
CASTOR
Listen toots; you’re being awfully vague. I don’t care who they are. I don’t care about yous.
WOMAN
I guess then, the promise of seeing your Debra again wouldn’t be enough.
CASTOR
(inquisitive, yet angry)
How do you know about her?
WOMAN
Just come to the shipyard at dusk, you know where. And don’t try anything.
She walks out of the room. Castor turns around in his chair and stares out the window.
CASTOR
(voice over)
Debra. That name should be meaningless to me. But it ain’t. She was the only woman I could love since my wife was killed. But the one problem was she was this tail I was following for a client, the last spousal investigation I ever did. As a PI, you’re not supposed to fall in love with your clients. Ya’ not supposed to plant evidence neither. That’s the life of a PI. It’s my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for nuthin.
The scene fades out, yet he continues his voice over through the change.
EXT. SHIPYARD - EARLY MORNING
There is a fog on the water, and Castor’s car pulls up. He closes the door quietly. He lights a cigar and walks to the pier. A foghorn BELLOWS in the distance.
CASTOR
(voice over)
Being a snoop ain’t an easy job. Ya, can’t trust nobody. So, when I got to the dock, I came heavy. That doe from the office must be workin’ for someone higher. I can’ts figure out who neither. That’s why I speak heavily and carry a bigger gun.
FEMALE VOICE
(o.s.)
Nightey, night flatfoot.
Castor is hit over the head with a blackjack.
INT. WAREHOUSE - AN HOUR LATER.
The scene fades slowly from black. Castor is tied up; behind him is DEBRA, a very attractive 27 year old. She is the classic damsel-in-distress, an innocent look to her, blonde and very attractive.
DEBRA
Wake up Castor. Wake up.
Castor comes to.
CASTOR
I figgered it was a trap.
DEBRA
Then why would you walk into it?
CASTOR
You know the reason.
The WOMAN, Cassandra, comes back into play.
CASSANDRA
Ahh, you shouldn’t be so trusting.
CASTOR
I knew it. Who is behind this?
DEBRA
(slips easily from her ropes)
Oh, I am. I was lying the whole time. My “husband” was really my brother. This is my sister. We came here to take our revenge. You set our cause back five years when you killed our leader.
CASTOR
That’s nonsense. The only person I eva’ killed was,
DEBRA
That’s right. Lucas, your old partner. We know why too. He was going to kill your wife.
CASTOR
Who are you?
The two women suddenly transform into walking talking land- sharks. Debra is a huge, 20-foot tall great white, while Cassandra is an equally large Mako. They both have swastika armbands.
CASTOR
NO. It can’t be. I thought you all didn’t exist. My wife told me about you. I thought she was crazy, but she was right.
DEBRA
Yes. We’re Nazi sharks, from the planet Avon. Lucas, our leader, was going to kill your wife; she was the only one who could stop us.
CASTOR
So, it was you who killed her. But I don’t get it… My wife had no connection to anything. She was from North Dakota…
DEBRA
Ahh, she never told you. She was from Kreyluck. She was the last of the Orca people of that planet, and she could have repopulated the race. Orcas are the only species alive that can defeat us Nazi Sharks. We couldn’t let that happen. Now, we exact our revenge, as well as complete the final step to our domination. You hold the last obstacle in our path, your wife’s pendant. You see, that pendant you thought was from her father is actually an entire litter of Orca people. When you died, they would arise again and could stop our cause.
CASTOR
That would happen, but there is one thing you don’t know.
CASSANDRA
And what’s that petty human?
CASTOR
You see, I am not really a human PI,
Castor transforms into a 50-foot long and 25-foot tall Tyrannosaur. In his hand is a sizable racket.
CASTOR
(continued)
But A T-REX BADMITION PLAYER FROM THE PLANET DESTRUCTOR!
CASSANDRA
NO!!! I thought you all died in the war of Alucard 65 million years ago.
CASTOR
No. We never died. We have been lying low, hiding as humans on this planet they have come to call Earth,
(Romantically pondering)
But it will always be Burma to me.
(Normally)
You sharks never learn. Raise an empire, and then lose it all in a world war. Your petty jihad ends now! Say hello to Lucas when you see him IN HELL!
The scene fades out. However there are sounds of carnage ensuing off screen, as well as screams of terror from the girls. A loud ROAR ECHOES into the morning.
The aim of the writing exercise was to have something hidden, I think.
The format doesn't work that well in the blogosphere, but who cares.
INT - HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF PI OFFICE. - RAINY NIGHT
The ambiance is smoky and dark. There are sounds of THUNDER outside, as well as heavy RAIN. There is a door to the other room that has the name Castor Pollax, private investigator. The waiting room is sparsely decorated and populated. A faceless, buxom and attractive WOMAN walks into the room. She enters the office without knocking.
INT. PI OFFICE. CONT’D
CASTOR POLLAX is sitting in his chair. He turns around when he hears the door open. He is in his late 30’s, and seems worn out by life. The lines on his face are sharp, as is his wit. He eyes the woman up and down. He makes a decision before she speaks.
CASTOR
I ain’t gonna to take ya’ case. I don’t do spousal investigation.
WOMAN
I haven’t even told you about the case.
CASTOR
I don’t need ta. I have seen your type a thousand times. Every broad like yous seems to think her husband has a dame on the side. The dough’s good, but ever since one case I don’t do em no more.
He pulls a shot glass and a whiskey bottle from a drawer. He quickly pours a shot and takes it down.
WOMAN
Well, I’m afraid it’s a little bit more complicated. They are involved.
CASTOR
Listen toots; you’re being awfully vague. I don’t care who they are. I don’t care about yous.
WOMAN
I guess then, the promise of seeing your Debra again wouldn’t be enough.
CASTOR
(inquisitive, yet angry)
How do you know about her?
WOMAN
Just come to the shipyard at dusk, you know where. And don’t try anything.
She walks out of the room. Castor turns around in his chair and stares out the window.
CASTOR
(voice over)
Debra. That name should be meaningless to me. But it ain’t. She was the only woman I could love since my wife was killed. But the one problem was she was this tail I was following for a client, the last spousal investigation I ever did. As a PI, you’re not supposed to fall in love with your clients. Ya’ not supposed to plant evidence neither. That’s the life of a PI. It’s my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for nuthin.
The scene fades out, yet he continues his voice over through the change.
EXT. SHIPYARD - EARLY MORNING
There is a fog on the water, and Castor’s car pulls up. He closes the door quietly. He lights a cigar and walks to the pier. A foghorn BELLOWS in the distance.
CASTOR
(voice over)
Being a snoop ain’t an easy job. Ya, can’t trust nobody. So, when I got to the dock, I came heavy. That doe from the office must be workin’ for someone higher. I can’ts figure out who neither. That’s why I speak heavily and carry a bigger gun.
FEMALE VOICE
(o.s.)
Nightey, night flatfoot.
Castor is hit over the head with a blackjack.
INT. WAREHOUSE - AN HOUR LATER.
The scene fades slowly from black. Castor is tied up; behind him is DEBRA, a very attractive 27 year old. She is the classic damsel-in-distress, an innocent look to her, blonde and very attractive.
DEBRA
Wake up Castor. Wake up.
Castor comes to.
CASTOR
I figgered it was a trap.
DEBRA
Then why would you walk into it?
CASTOR
You know the reason.
The WOMAN, Cassandra, comes back into play.
CASSANDRA
Ahh, you shouldn’t be so trusting.
CASTOR
I knew it. Who is behind this?
DEBRA
(slips easily from her ropes)
Oh, I am. I was lying the whole time. My “husband” was really my brother. This is my sister. We came here to take our revenge. You set our cause back five years when you killed our leader.
CASTOR
That’s nonsense. The only person I eva’ killed was,
DEBRA
That’s right. Lucas, your old partner. We know why too. He was going to kill your wife.
CASTOR
Who are you?
The two women suddenly transform into walking talking land- sharks. Debra is a huge, 20-foot tall great white, while Cassandra is an equally large Mako. They both have swastika armbands.
CASTOR
NO. It can’t be. I thought you all didn’t exist. My wife told me about you. I thought she was crazy, but she was right.
DEBRA
Yes. We’re Nazi sharks, from the planet Avon. Lucas, our leader, was going to kill your wife; she was the only one who could stop us.
CASTOR
So, it was you who killed her. But I don’t get it… My wife had no connection to anything. She was from North Dakota…
DEBRA
Ahh, she never told you. She was from Kreyluck. She was the last of the Orca people of that planet, and she could have repopulated the race. Orcas are the only species alive that can defeat us Nazi Sharks. We couldn’t let that happen. Now, we exact our revenge, as well as complete the final step to our domination. You hold the last obstacle in our path, your wife’s pendant. You see, that pendant you thought was from her father is actually an entire litter of Orca people. When you died, they would arise again and could stop our cause.
CASTOR
That would happen, but there is one thing you don’t know.
CASSANDRA
And what’s that petty human?
CASTOR
You see, I am not really a human PI,
Castor transforms into a 50-foot long and 25-foot tall Tyrannosaur. In his hand is a sizable racket.
CASTOR
(continued)
But A T-REX BADMITION PLAYER FROM THE PLANET DESTRUCTOR!
CASSANDRA
NO!!! I thought you all died in the war of Alucard 65 million years ago.
CASTOR
No. We never died. We have been lying low, hiding as humans on this planet they have come to call Earth,
(Romantically pondering)
But it will always be Burma to me.
(Normally)
You sharks never learn. Raise an empire, and then lose it all in a world war. Your petty jihad ends now! Say hello to Lucas when you see him IN HELL!
The scene fades out. However there are sounds of carnage ensuing off screen, as well as screams of terror from the girls. A loud ROAR ECHOES into the morning.
posted by Indiana at
5:14 PM
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