Tonight Led Zeppelin Closes With Bring it on Homer.
The state of modern music as framed by Later season Simpsons quotes (mostly 99 on)
Woodsman: I too got lost in these woods here. I wandered around and then eventually married a bear.
Woman: I’m not a bear! I’m a woman!
Woodsman: Ragh, ragh, ragh. No one understands you bear-woman.
Bart Vs. Lisa Vs. The Third Grade
To the continually unintelligible Missy Elliot.
Homer: Oh, I like food alright ... [Homer breaks into song] I like pizza, I like bagels, I like hot gods with mustard and beer
Editor: I get the picture
Homer: [continues, ignoring him] I'll eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Who's that baby deer on the lawn there?
And
Homer: OOH pointless nostalgia.
Both from: Guess who’s coming to criticize dinner?
To Ray Cash for bumping my music. A long list of the music he listens to. It’s like an MP3 blog set to a Casio keyboard and with an 808. Just as boring as it gets.
But it does have the spit take line of the year, “Damn near cried when Rick James died/Nigga was cold blooded”
Nobody got more extra lives than Rick James. He had 2 or 3 hits minor hits, one anthem that is almost required to be on a shitty disco hits compilation (Super Freak), and then faded away. Then he was in the back of Eddie Murphy’s “classic” Party all the time video. Then Hammer took his beat for Can’t Touch This. And then, just when you think he is done, Charlie Murphy does his classic True Hollywood Story, which I am going to paste below instead of linking to.
This guy- a legendary asshole- got more chances than anyone but Charlie Sheen, also a legendary asshole.
What was I talking about, oh yeah, Ray Cash…
One more from that Episode:
Editor: [laughs]
Homer: Well, what do you think?
Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read! Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "Pasghetti" and "Momatoes" You make numerous threatening references to the UN and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.
Homer: Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words.
To Wyclef Jean in Shakira’s Hips don’t lie. First off, Shakira cannot hit that high note. Just flubs it every time. But why does Wyclef have to constantly shout “Shakira! Shakira! during the chorus. It’s been 8 long years since the Carnival. Time to ease into producing entirely Clef.
That and the "Why the CIA want to watch us?" a threating reference to a group of people that don't care about them. Who am I kidding, if C Thomas Howell had a file after Soul Man, Wycelf's got one too.
This was one of the last episodes before the Simpsons went in the toilet for about 2 years, from the first episode of 2000 until Trilogy of Error there isn’t a standout in the run.
Father Sean: I understand, but can it wait till after Bingo?
Homer: Bingo, that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Father Sean: Bingo.
Homer: That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Father Sean: How bout you just say "Yaay I won!"
Homer: Bingo!
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star
To the ongoing trend of writers saying the same line, multiple times, right after another.
Whether it’s Rick Ross rhyming 22 with 22 five times in a row, whip it, whip it another 3 times, or I’m like Atlantic, I got stuff flying cross the Atlantic in Hustlin..
Or the 17 year old Boniqua girl Paula Denada shouting I got high self esteem in Doin too much.
Or Mike Jones, who can’t seem to stop saying the same 3 lines in every song.
Or Panic at the Disco, who will get their own treatment later, with I write sins and better if you did. ..
This has got to stop. A friend of mine once made a compelling argument that you can only truly rap if you rap in English. It’s a lot harder to rhyme if you can’t change a word’s masculinity to feminine or vice versa. Then Juveille hit with HA, which created a whole new rhyme scheme of rhyming lines by a common end word.
“Welcome to Fox News, your source for evil.”
Mr. Spritz goes to Washington.
To Puffy, whose Bad Boy south seems to bring out a new star with the same southern blandness every three months. First it was Young Jeezy, now it’s Yung Joc. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.
On the same note,
Mick Jagger: And no matter where you are, you always say It's the wildest town in the whole damn world.
Wiggum: So when you said it in Springfield last year you didn't mean it?
Mick Jagger: Yeah sure I did, but only because Springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world.
How I Spent my Strummer Vacation
We get it, you’re either from Miami or Atlanta or Chicago or Houston. Now get back to writing.
Gibson: Homer is a brutally honest man. Completely tactless and insensitive.
Homer: Hee, hee. Guilty as charged.
Beyond Blunderdome.
I’ve already covered this before, but this goes to Yung Joc and Tom Delounge.
Joc for “Everybody loves me, I’m so cool”
And Tom, this is just your year man. Every time I see your video or hear your music, it’s like I’m hearing the sound of rock and roll being reinvented.
Millhouse: Then let's just say I don't care what people think of me anymore.
Bart: You mean up until now you did care? Then why did you wear that tutu to school last week.
Millhouse: What about all the times I didn't wear a tutu. Nobody ever brings those up.
Millhouse Doesn’t live here anymore
To AFI. Miss Murder, actually not that bad of a song. But it’s a little hard to take you seriously when you are out girling the ladies with you ridiculous hair and makeup. At least Kiss hid their horrible looks with makeup that made look more attractive to the ladies.
Homer: I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted down tv from a holiday inn, I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated 8 billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. Woohoo I'm clean! In your face lord!
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star
To Cassie’s Me & U video. Look for yourself, it’s not even near porn, it is porn. I have no plans to stop watching it in the future.
Between the dancing in front of the mirror, dousing herself in water, and kissing her reflection, we have a new entry into “Furious Masturbation Theater.”
While not tied to anything, I’ll link two of my favorite clips from musicians on the show.
50 Cent
Mick Jagger
Announcer: Can robots feel pain? If so, we are terrible people.
I-D’oh-bot.
To all of us watching and listening to Paris Hilton’s Stars are blind.
Kent: We've bought in an expert. Former underage defender Snake.
Snake: If they're smart, Kent, they'll stay off the main roads. It's all here in my book. Ten Habits Of Highly Sucessful Criminals.
Kent: Alright, I plugged your book, now put down the gun!
Snake: Tell them I'll be on Conan Thursday with Heather Locklear and Third Eye Blind.
The Wandering Juvie
To the man with warrants in every city except Houston, Chamillionaire, and his anthem to driving against the law “Ridin.”
Homer: Donkey Basketball? Now I've heard everything. Unlike YOU! Ahahah! Haha! Oh, everybody remember that for when his hearing comes back.
Bart Mangled Banner
From one of my favorite episodes ever, this one is for the inventors of the high pitch ringtone that adults can’t hear.
Homer: I think it’s despicable what you people are doing, playing with people’s lives and emotions for television sensationalism.
Carmen Electra: My face is up here, Homer.
Homer: (looking at Carmen's breasts) I've made my choice.
The Frying Game
To the Pussycat Dolls, started in one form or another by, that’s right, Carmen Electra. Truly dumb, utterly talentless, and being pushed on the stations like none others. I’ve made my choice.
Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what, they'll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly!
Catch ‘em if you can
To Mariah Carey, who tends to be the Spanish Fly for any woman under 30. And with an IQ less than 100. And likely self esteem issues.
(In Democrat prison)
Clinton: I called the Republican tax cuts unfair. And I stand by it, their unfair.
Random Guy: All I said is that imported wines are better than Napa Valley!
Guard: Why don’t you take a Napa *hits him over the head with club*
Elmo: Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.
Islamic prisoner: My only crime was driving a truckload of explosives over the US – Canadian border.
Marge: Why do they keep the joke ones next to the real ones.
Bart Mangled Banner
To Rhianna’s Unfaithful, in which she says she doesn’t want to be… a mur-der-er. In the land of thuggish rap, the only one who actually claims to feel like a killer is an 18 year old island girl.
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it's lost all meaning.
She of Little Faith
To Panic! At the Disco. I know someone makes a statement every year about some band being the worst ever, but I think we have a new benchmark of craplitude (note edited from crapulence, which I found out means hungover, thanks Simpsons) for a while.
It’s like listening to rock music from the four wrist-slashing Goth kids in your High School who hung out at the 7-11 and Andrew Lloyd Webber working together.
Here’s a better question, how did the lead singer find three or four more guys to join his band. Tis one thing to find enough people in a city who play music, and the type of music you also play. Really, are there four or five people in the entire country who all thought: “you know what kind of music I want to make? Overly dramatic, theater style vocals, with little or no sense of rhythm, but tons of harmony instead of melody, and because I want to be as feminine as possible without telling my parents I’m gay, I want to wear makeup.” There are enough of these people in the country to make a band? How did these people find each other?
So let’s give this a whirl.
The worst (hit) songs of the last ten years. Some get quotes, others don’t.
8. Good Charlotte - every song (except for the 20 seconds in Hold on which Dave thinks is pretty good). (their name is almost as hard to spell as it is to listen to)
7. Rollin – Limp Bizkit
6. LFO – Summer Girls
5. J-Lo. The repertoire. (Thank you NASA – New Kids)
4. Shaggy – It wasn’t me (You make a very adulterous point – Mr. Spritz)
3. Master P – Make em say unngggghhhh.
2. Puff Daddy – I’ll be missing you.
That’s right.
#1 is Panic at the Disco. Making Dashboard Confessional look like Led Zeppelin.
On the advice of our lawyers, we must insist we have never heard of a musical based on the life of Eva Peron.
Just for me. I would have done this format even if I didn’t read Bill Simmons where he does this twice a year with classic films like the Godfather and Caddyshack.
Comic Book Guy: Oh I have wasted my life.
Woodsman: I too got lost in these woods here. I wandered around and then eventually married a bear.
Woman: I’m not a bear! I’m a woman!
Woodsman: Ragh, ragh, ragh. No one understands you bear-woman.
Bart Vs. Lisa Vs. The Third Grade
To the continually unintelligible Missy Elliot.
Homer: Oh, I like food alright ... [Homer breaks into song] I like pizza, I like bagels, I like hot gods with mustard and beer
Editor: I get the picture
Homer: [continues, ignoring him] I'll eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Who's that baby deer on the lawn there?
And
Homer: OOH pointless nostalgia.
Both from: Guess who’s coming to criticize dinner?
To Ray Cash for bumping my music. A long list of the music he listens to. It’s like an MP3 blog set to a Casio keyboard and with an 808. Just as boring as it gets.
But it does have the spit take line of the year, “Damn near cried when Rick James died/Nigga was cold blooded”
Nobody got more extra lives than Rick James. He had 2 or 3 hits minor hits, one anthem that is almost required to be on a shitty disco hits compilation (Super Freak), and then faded away. Then he was in the back of Eddie Murphy’s “classic” Party all the time video. Then Hammer took his beat for Can’t Touch This. And then, just when you think he is done, Charlie Murphy does his classic True Hollywood Story, which I am going to paste below instead of linking to.
This guy- a legendary asshole- got more chances than anyone but Charlie Sheen, also a legendary asshole.
What was I talking about, oh yeah, Ray Cash…
One more from that Episode:
Editor: [laughs]
Homer: Well, what do you think?
Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read! Homer: What's wrong with it?
Editor: You keep using words like "Pasghetti" and "Momatoes" You make numerous threatening references to the UN and at the end you repeat the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.
Homer: Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words.
To Wyclef Jean in Shakira’s Hips don’t lie. First off, Shakira cannot hit that high note. Just flubs it every time. But why does Wyclef have to constantly shout “Shakira! Shakira! during the chorus. It’s been 8 long years since the Carnival. Time to ease into producing entirely Clef.
That and the "Why the CIA want to watch us?" a threating reference to a group of people that don't care about them. Who am I kidding, if C Thomas Howell had a file after Soul Man, Wycelf's got one too.
This was one of the last episodes before the Simpsons went in the toilet for about 2 years, from the first episode of 2000 until Trilogy of Error there isn’t a standout in the run.
Father Sean: I understand, but can it wait till after Bingo?
Homer: Bingo, that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Father Sean: Bingo.
Homer: That's my favorite game. I just can't remember what to yell out when you win.
Father Sean: How bout you just say "Yaay I won!"
Homer: Bingo!
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star
To the ongoing trend of writers saying the same line, multiple times, right after another.
Whether it’s Rick Ross rhyming 22 with 22 five times in a row, whip it, whip it another 3 times, or I’m like Atlantic, I got stuff flying cross the Atlantic in Hustlin..
Or the 17 year old Boniqua girl Paula Denada shouting I got high self esteem in Doin too much.
Or Mike Jones, who can’t seem to stop saying the same 3 lines in every song.
Or Panic at the Disco, who will get their own treatment later, with I write sins and better if you did. ..
This has got to stop. A friend of mine once made a compelling argument that you can only truly rap if you rap in English. It’s a lot harder to rhyme if you can’t change a word’s masculinity to feminine or vice versa. Then Juveille hit with HA, which created a whole new rhyme scheme of rhyming lines by a common end word.
“Welcome to Fox News, your source for evil.”
Mr. Spritz goes to Washington.
To Puffy, whose Bad Boy south seems to bring out a new star with the same southern blandness every three months. First it was Young Jeezy, now it’s Yung Joc. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.
On the same note,
Mick Jagger: And no matter where you are, you always say It's the wildest town in the whole damn world.
Wiggum: So when you said it in Springfield last year you didn't mean it?
Mick Jagger: Yeah sure I did, but only because Springfield really is the wildest town in the whole damn world.
How I Spent my Strummer Vacation
We get it, you’re either from Miami or Atlanta or Chicago or Houston. Now get back to writing.
Gibson: Homer is a brutally honest man. Completely tactless and insensitive.
Homer: Hee, hee. Guilty as charged.
Beyond Blunderdome.
I’ve already covered this before, but this goes to Yung Joc and Tom Delounge.
Joc for “Everybody loves me, I’m so cool”
And Tom, this is just your year man. Every time I see your video or hear your music, it’s like I’m hearing the sound of rock and roll being reinvented.
Millhouse: Then let's just say I don't care what people think of me anymore.
Bart: You mean up until now you did care? Then why did you wear that tutu to school last week.
Millhouse: What about all the times I didn't wear a tutu. Nobody ever brings those up.
Millhouse Doesn’t live here anymore
To AFI. Miss Murder, actually not that bad of a song. But it’s a little hard to take you seriously when you are out girling the ladies with you ridiculous hair and makeup. At least Kiss hid their horrible looks with makeup that made look more attractive to the ladies.
Homer: I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted down tv from a holiday inn, I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated 8 billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. Woohoo I'm clean! In your face lord!
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star
To Cassie’s Me & U video. Look for yourself, it’s not even near porn, it is porn. I have no plans to stop watching it in the future.
Between the dancing in front of the mirror, dousing herself in water, and kissing her reflection, we have a new entry into “Furious Masturbation Theater.”
While not tied to anything, I’ll link two of my favorite clips from musicians on the show.
50 Cent
Mick Jagger
Announcer: Can robots feel pain? If so, we are terrible people.
I-D’oh-bot.
To all of us watching and listening to Paris Hilton’s Stars are blind.
Kent: We've bought in an expert. Former underage defender Snake.
Snake: If they're smart, Kent, they'll stay off the main roads. It's all here in my book. Ten Habits Of Highly Sucessful Criminals.
Kent: Alright, I plugged your book, now put down the gun!
Snake: Tell them I'll be on Conan Thursday with Heather Locklear and Third Eye Blind.
The Wandering Juvie
To the man with warrants in every city except Houston, Chamillionaire, and his anthem to driving against the law “Ridin.”
Homer: Donkey Basketball? Now I've heard everything. Unlike YOU! Ahahah! Haha! Oh, everybody remember that for when his hearing comes back.
Bart Mangled Banner
From one of my favorite episodes ever, this one is for the inventors of the high pitch ringtone that adults can’t hear.
Homer: I think it’s despicable what you people are doing, playing with people’s lives and emotions for television sensationalism.
Carmen Electra: My face is up here, Homer.
Homer: (looking at Carmen's breasts) I've made my choice.
The Frying Game
To the Pussycat Dolls, started in one form or another by, that’s right, Carmen Electra. Truly dumb, utterly talentless, and being pushed on the stations like none others. I’ve made my choice.
Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs.
Bart: Like what, they'll do something with you that they hate?
Homer: Exactly!
Catch ‘em if you can
To Mariah Carey, who tends to be the Spanish Fly for any woman under 30. And with an IQ less than 100. And likely self esteem issues.
(In Democrat prison)
Clinton: I called the Republican tax cuts unfair. And I stand by it, their unfair.
Random Guy: All I said is that imported wines are better than Napa Valley!
Guard: Why don’t you take a Napa *hits him over the head with club*
Elmo: Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.
Islamic prisoner: My only crime was driving a truckload of explosives over the US – Canadian border.
Marge: Why do they keep the joke ones next to the real ones.
Bart Mangled Banner
To Rhianna’s Unfaithful, in which she says she doesn’t want to be… a mur-der-er. In the land of thuggish rap, the only one who actually claims to feel like a killer is an 18 year old island girl.
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it's lost all meaning.
She of Little Faith
To Panic! At the Disco. I know someone makes a statement every year about some band being the worst ever, but I think we have a new benchmark of craplitude (note edited from crapulence, which I found out means hungover, thanks Simpsons) for a while.
It’s like listening to rock music from the four wrist-slashing Goth kids in your High School who hung out at the 7-11 and Andrew Lloyd Webber working together.
Here’s a better question, how did the lead singer find three or four more guys to join his band. Tis one thing to find enough people in a city who play music, and the type of music you also play. Really, are there four or five people in the entire country who all thought: “you know what kind of music I want to make? Overly dramatic, theater style vocals, with little or no sense of rhythm, but tons of harmony instead of melody, and because I want to be as feminine as possible without telling my parents I’m gay, I want to wear makeup.” There are enough of these people in the country to make a band? How did these people find each other?
So let’s give this a whirl.
The worst (hit) songs of the last ten years. Some get quotes, others don’t.
8. Good Charlotte - every song (except for the 20 seconds in Hold on which Dave thinks is pretty good). (their name is almost as hard to spell as it is to listen to)
7. Rollin – Limp Bizkit
6. LFO – Summer Girls
5. J-Lo. The repertoire. (Thank you NASA – New Kids)
4. Shaggy – It wasn’t me (You make a very adulterous point – Mr. Spritz)
3. Master P – Make em say unngggghhhh.
2. Puff Daddy – I’ll be missing you.
That’s right.
#1 is Panic at the Disco. Making Dashboard Confessional look like Led Zeppelin.
On the advice of our lawyers, we must insist we have never heard of a musical based on the life of Eva Peron.
Just for me. I would have done this format even if I didn’t read Bill Simmons where he does this twice a year with classic films like the Godfather and Caddyshack.
Comic Book Guy: Oh I have wasted my life.
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