Fuck The Red Sox, and Fuck You Too!

If you live in l.a., then fucking live in l.a. Don't live here and spend every moment of your miserable life crusading against the city - if you don't like it here, GET THE FUCK OUT!. This is based in part on something Adam Corolla said on LOVELINES last night, but it's a complaint I've had for years. I don't give a shit how great your cheesesteaks, or pizza, or tomatoes are, and I really don't care how much you hate these things here. You're a fucking asshole! Get out of my city! Seriously - tell me again how you can't find a decent slice of pizza guiseppe, I haven't heard the argument before! Oh, what's this, you don't need a car in new york?! Congratulations! But you did need an airplane to get your three thousand fucking miles to bitch about how how didn't need a car in new york you idiot! You know what else you don't need in new york? Sunscreen or a bikini - as a matter of fact, if you're a dude, you don't even need your eye sockets, because the only thing you're gonna see in any of those east coast shangri las are pastey jawbreaker chicks with no class and no style who are dreaming of the day they can move out here... Yeah, i know their are 20 supermodels in new york - they don't make up for the other four million hags.
Seriously, why the fuck did you move here if after twenty fucking years you still have to explain to everyone that you're from Boston (like we couldn't tell with mongoloid fucking accent that's as thick as the hair on the arms of your women back home!)? Oh, you moved here to be a writer? Yeah, you and the other two and a half million waiters, busboys, valets, bartenders, and rough trade in the county - good luck with that! But just in case you're not the amazing writer / actor / singer / whatever the fuck that your mother and eighth grade teacher told you that you were, don't blame my city for your shortcomings!
Goddamnit! What the fuck is it that draws the biggest assholes her from every city in America, just so they can tell me how their food, and water, and houses, and bars, and sports teams are waaaaay better than anything here, and that "people in l.a. don't know good __________." Get this douchebag - pizza is flour and water and a can of sauce! It's the same shit from here to Sicily! Try getting a good bowl of chile verde east of the Rio Grande! Better yet, find me someone east of the Rio Grande who can pronounce chile verde. Or even better, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CITY! You whine like a fucking baby about traffic in the 405, but it only exists because dickheads like your come in drones from Assholeville, USA to this city - all with a fucking chip on your shoulder about some tiny little thing that you had that you can't find here. I'm not from here - I'm from New Mexico - we have some of the world's finest food, landscapes, sunsets, fresh air... but i moved here for a reason, so I don't need to chirp like a fucking cukoo clock every five minutes about how much I hate l.a.!
If you look a little closer you'll notice something about these miserable pieces of garbage - particularly that they're miserable... and dudes. And ugly too... and poor. I guess pathetic falls into miserable, but might as well add it to the list. Girls move to los angeles because it's a dream come true - whether they become a marine biologist and swim with the dolphins, or end up blowing guys in chatsworth, A) they're still better off than they would have been porking the high school football champ back home and turning into a baby factory and B) girls simply aren't as petty as guys are - they don't complain about their baggage, instead they turn into huge sluts and hope that eventually one day they'll fuck their pain away... or at least find a sugar daddy. And I challange you to find a handsome, successful guy that walks around evangelizing Johnnys Pizza, or Ginos and Pats (ps - fucking tourist traps for assholes and fakers) - nope, they've got real lives - they made it here, so they don't have to hate lambast tiny nuances so that they can better ignore the hell that is their lives... They've got better things to talk about than the cheesecake, or the autumn, or the fucking Red Sox.
Jesus fucking christ! Poke your head into any miserable break room filled with minimum-wage blue collar workers and you're sure to hear one of two things: The Yankees, or the Red Sox (okay, sometimes Chivas, but that's another argument!). FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR TEAM! Maybe you didn't get the memo: Baseball is for fags! What? Tell me again about how 1986 changed your life! What where you then, three years old?! If you don't like shit here, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CITY! God-fucking-damnit! Do you think in a million years you'd ever catch a group of Angelenos sitting around on snowy new england day, drinking pickle brine and staring at the three 200lb chicks in the bar, pining for the Angels or the Dodgers? Do you think a bunch of guys from l.a. could get away with jamming up a manhattan bar on a tuesday night with a Lakers game on the tube?! NO! Then why the fuck do you come to california to do that shit?! Do you really need the t-shirt, hat, cufflinks, novelty tie, foam finger, and linebacker wife just to prove to us how much you like your fucking Patriots?!
The worst - the absolute fucking worst - are the people who AREN'T EVEN FROM FUCKING BOSTON, but still they carry around the fucking olympic torch for a piece of shit sports team! DIE ALREADY YOU MISERABLE FUCKS! Newsflash! IT"S NOT YOUR FUCKING ETHNIC BIRTHRIGHT AS A CRACKER TO LOVE THE SOX!. If you lived in Boston for more than five years, you should be allowed one bumper sticker, just so the rest of us know to stay the fuck away. Pittsburg, same thing, Greenbay or Chicago, ditto!
Beyond those, please, please, for me, if you don't like the traffic, if you wish you had a dank as subway or a carb-o-fucking-rific pizza/sandwich/whatever, if you don't like that everyone here is superficial (ps - you're the asshole that's judging a city based on its people's ability to smear tomatoes onto bread)), then please, FUCK YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT OF LOS ANGELES!

Thanks, kisses. xoxo

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