Dave does some fake news
After hearing about the two Jacksonville Cheerleaders having sex in a public bathroom, the WNBA has collapsed as all of the players are now joining the Jaguar Cheer Squad.
Asked upon the impetus of their latest video Backstreet Boys answered, “We wanted to show that at least 5 men have gone to one of our concerts. Or at least 4 straight men. Ahem, three straight men.”
Conan O’Brien challenges Jon Stewart to a public fight to see who gets the right to interview hot actresses with the “Make fun of myself and guffaw technique, secretly hoping they will sleep with me.” O’Brien to let Stewart keep the actual “good interview skills.”
Chuck Klosterman to fight anyone to the death who argues that watching soccer is more interesting than reading his latest book. The current line begins in London at the private club for the Manchester United supporters. Vinnie Jones first in line.
Paul McCartney to change the recording order of the Beatles catalogue. All titles are now to read, McCartney/Sir Paul McCartney/George Harrison/ and Mark David Chapman’s greatest work. The catalogue will now also include songs from his later works, including Flaming Pie, “Silly Love Songs,” and the post 9-11 clusterfuck, Freedom. His response: “Look I just wanted to give more respect where it was due.” When asked about Ringo, Paul looked puzzled and asked, “Who?”
Still bitter about Tommy Mottola, Mariah Implores Destiny’s Child to amp up their campaign against men.
Christian Right vows to protest Lost unless it is revealed to truly be a Christ Parable.
Family Guy Seth McFarlane vows to make an episode comprising of only one joke, repeated over and over for 22 minutes. Also promises to finally get around to getting that joke about Glitter into a show. “It’s hysterical, and no one has covered it before.” He was then carried off into the sunset by high school stoners and college dropouts.
Upon receiving a $100 million grant to cover tuition, Yale students to promise to strive for a C average and run for office in 20 years.
Scheduled to come in for a checkup with her OBGYN, Christina Aguilera decided to just send a copy of her “Dirr-ty” video.
Internet reviewers proclaim “Boondocks” the funniest Japanimation of all time.
T.O. apologizes to the media and the Eagles about his suspension, “I am deeply sorry for my actions. If I am given a chance to come back to the team, I hope to prove, against my personal belief, that Rush Limbaugh was only half right about McNabb.”
Feminists still trying to decide whether to yell at the inappropriate dress of 14-17 year old girls, or to wait ‘til they are 18.
Bush admits that he modeled his Presidency after LBJ’s, but spiced it up with a little bit of Nixon’s 2nd term, in his attempt to be a Uniter and not a divider.
Britney Spears to call her new tour: “Get me the hell away from this bearded rapper, and come love me again.” Straight 2008.
New Mexican Government immigration now not only guide it’s citizens across the border safely, but leads them to the nearest Home Depot parking lot.
The British Throne promises to send attractive representatives to America next time. Admit the confusion about Camilla could have been avoided if they decided against the Kennel.
American radio masses promise to keep listening to every cover of any 80’s song ever made. In a related story, Vh1’s stock increases 10 fold in 3 days.
50 Cent promises the sequel to “Get rich or die trying” to be all about the problems of living on no less than 50 million a year.
American white male rockers promise to continue the trend of making music gayer and more effeminate until they can finally get rid of instruments. Fall Out Boy first in line.
Jewish masses worried that there is not a Holocaust movie on the horizon for winter release.
And that’s about everyone.
Asked upon the impetus of their latest video Backstreet Boys answered, “We wanted to show that at least 5 men have gone to one of our concerts. Or at least 4 straight men. Ahem, three straight men.”
Conan O’Brien challenges Jon Stewart to a public fight to see who gets the right to interview hot actresses with the “Make fun of myself and guffaw technique, secretly hoping they will sleep with me.” O’Brien to let Stewart keep the actual “good interview skills.”
Chuck Klosterman to fight anyone to the death who argues that watching soccer is more interesting than reading his latest book. The current line begins in London at the private club for the Manchester United supporters. Vinnie Jones first in line.
Paul McCartney to change the recording order of the Beatles catalogue. All titles are now to read, McCartney/Sir Paul McCartney/George Harrison/ and Mark David Chapman’s greatest work. The catalogue will now also include songs from his later works, including Flaming Pie, “Silly Love Songs,” and the post 9-11 clusterfuck, Freedom. His response: “Look I just wanted to give more respect where it was due.” When asked about Ringo, Paul looked puzzled and asked, “Who?”
Still bitter about Tommy Mottola, Mariah Implores Destiny’s Child to amp up their campaign against men.
Christian Right vows to protest Lost unless it is revealed to truly be a Christ Parable.
Family Guy Seth McFarlane vows to make an episode comprising of only one joke, repeated over and over for 22 minutes. Also promises to finally get around to getting that joke about Glitter into a show. “It’s hysterical, and no one has covered it before.” He was then carried off into the sunset by high school stoners and college dropouts.
Upon receiving a $100 million grant to cover tuition, Yale students to promise to strive for a C average and run for office in 20 years.
Scheduled to come in for a checkup with her OBGYN, Christina Aguilera decided to just send a copy of her “Dirr-ty” video.
Internet reviewers proclaim “Boondocks” the funniest Japanimation of all time.
T.O. apologizes to the media and the Eagles about his suspension, “I am deeply sorry for my actions. If I am given a chance to come back to the team, I hope to prove, against my personal belief, that Rush Limbaugh was only half right about McNabb.”
Feminists still trying to decide whether to yell at the inappropriate dress of 14-17 year old girls, or to wait ‘til they are 18.
Bush admits that he modeled his Presidency after LBJ’s, but spiced it up with a little bit of Nixon’s 2nd term, in his attempt to be a Uniter and not a divider.
Britney Spears to call her new tour: “Get me the hell away from this bearded rapper, and come love me again.” Straight 2008.
New Mexican Government immigration now not only guide it’s citizens across the border safely, but leads them to the nearest Home Depot parking lot.
The British Throne promises to send attractive representatives to America next time. Admit the confusion about Camilla could have been avoided if they decided against the Kennel.
American radio masses promise to keep listening to every cover of any 80’s song ever made. In a related story, Vh1’s stock increases 10 fold in 3 days.
50 Cent promises the sequel to “Get rich or die trying” to be all about the problems of living on no less than 50 million a year.
American white male rockers promise to continue the trend of making music gayer and more effeminate until they can finally get rid of instruments. Fall Out Boy first in line.
Jewish masses worried that there is not a Holocaust movie on the horizon for winter release.
And that’s about everyone.
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2:44 AM
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