Best of the week and a poem for All Hallows Eve

Best Quote (on TV): We Brits were into caring for Africa way before you guys. You were too busy stuffing your faces. Graham Norton I love the 80’s 3d.

Best quote (in person): The people who made OJ blacker? Donnell in response to who is in the Photoshop hall of fame.

Best TV episode: “Margarine” – South Park. Another entry for the canon; it has two way over the top plots, with one being grounded in boys vs. girls playtime routines (overtly dressed in action movie Bruckheimer mode); t’other being nonsensically (coming from Butters parents, natch) rooted in horror movie lore. Both were perfectly done and complemented each other for viewing joy.

If it didn’t come out of the NFC North (the D-III division mistakably put in the NFL due to an oversight), the Lions vs. the Bears might have been game of the week. But lets go instead with no selection.

And now:

The Ballad of Zombie Earl

An original poem by David Turner.

Earl was a no good husband
Put six feet under by his oft beaten wife.
She and her gal made a scheme grand,
To put an end to his malicious strife.

The girls plan went off without a hitch.
His wife was safe, and her life was fresh.
But Earl was resurrected by his mom, a gypsy witch,
And rebirth caused him to hunger for flesh.

The first victim was a local Smokey,
The cop who failed to prosecute, as his duty.
An though Earl’s speed at best was pokey,
His mistake was stopping for donuts, with filling fruity.

Next was a girl of the night,
Who made her office in bed.
Yet, a full life had a chance, she might,
If she had gone all the way and given Earl… you know.

Justified was his death, and Earl understood.
Beating your wife is no noble deed.
Living as great man was something he never could,
But due to his cheating wife, it hurt when he peed.

Zombie organs are funny things, few know.
Instead of dying slowly, with feeding they grow.
The skin never ceases to make people cower,
But so would yours if you never could shower.

Next to fall were the town’s Priest and only nun.
Only one of them (the father) was meant to die.
Earl knew the Father forgave his wife, and fate was done.
Sister Mary kept her hat on, and thus: couldn’t fly.

Last on the list were his wife and her friend.
His blood lust had fueled him with false power,
Even after the two’s gruesome eventually end,
Earl would never know that the flesh would taste sour.

Yet, when he finally arrived at the house,
He was met with an unexpected shock!
She had gotten wise to the arrival of her undead spouse.
Worse, Earl wanted a brew, but the fridge had a lock.

Earl’s wife had gone to hide the Dixie Chicks
Her friend had split to Zombie-free Illinois
The group made her tale a song beloved by Hicks
A song that had fans with gals, and with a few boys.

The country super group had an ace up their skirts
They dealt with the religious right and knew how to kill
Both people have drive; one must hit 'em where it hurts
Admire, becuase a head shot on a lunging Zombie takes skill.

Natalie, Emily, and Martie came upon the world in 1998.
To us they were simply a group, good but not great.
Yet, the country stuff was only a cover, a face, a ruse.
They were all daughters of Van Helsing, immortal and effuse.

When they claimed they hated Being from Texas like Bush
They knew no one would ever suspect a goal so torn:
Out to rock at night and by day to make a pivotal push,
To out the nature of our President, a man Zombie Born.

Bush knew, yet knew few would believe his hunger for Brains.
Yet unlike most zombies, W did not just lust for that in the soil,
He hid his cover in economics and capital gains,
Deep down, he loved to cap a body feast with a glass of crude oil.

Zombie Earl moved on his quest and crossed in to Texas.
Because he hated the airport, he didn’t come by plane
To quote Steve Miller, he came to figure out what the facts was
And kill the women who had made a fun song bearing his name.

He arrived at Natalie’s house, only to find a trap.
They rigged the door to his arrival, to hurt him with sound
Knowing that all zombies hate Jewish rap,
Stereos blasted MC Mack Mitzvah, and Earl writhed on the ground.

At the end of the second verse containing the virtues of Moses
The stereo stopped, and the hunt was set in motion
This was due to the corruption of Enron, one supposes
The latter action caused the Zombie Pres back across the ocean

His trip to Transylvania had been cut short, and he was furious.
Dracula was just about to join the Board of the EU and NATO
While most of Europe would have certainly found this curious
It would render the Euro as valuable as OJ’s friend, Cato.

If Zombie Earl succeeded, Texas would be a land of the dead.
Zombies are like people; in single, they are easily terminated
But if they ever get hold of a state, there is no instead
The mass must be stopped, and a state must be exterminated.

Here that our hero arose. To up North, a bulletin was sent
The messenger arrived and was delivered to a van
Our hero was still poor, and could not afford rent,
Understandable, of course, when you are the Wolfman.

The Wolfman used to moonlight (forgive the pun)
On California radio as a DJ who would howl
Jack loved the job, and had endless fun.
But his identity was out after he ate a young girl out on a prowl.

Soon Bush arrived to put an end to the battle.
What he did not expect was the reaction of his team,
They knew above that the boss’s secret you do not tattle,
As he turned to his zombie form, they could only scream.

The Wolfman moved South and he phoned ahead,
The situation had moved from pressing to dire
Earl had eaten a Junior College and made them undead
The Dixie Chicks, sadly, were now out of shells to fire.

Natalie hung up the cell, the call had been cut short
Earl his army burst into the house with full gall,
All left for the gals was to retreat and hide in their fort
Power out, he stereo dead, the zombies let out their call:
Death to the living, the power of life is to be taken from all
You’ll burn in hell shouted the Chicks, Earl laughed for retort.

Zombies formed around the treehouse fort, to turn the Chicks to mush.
They began piling so they could reach the treehouse entry.
When what should appear from the sky, but Air Force One and G W Bush.
But poor W had not foreseen Wolfman Jack, humanity’s last sentry.

Jack howled to the moon with power that shook the ground
While the Zombies finally had their great leader return,
The answer for good and right had finally come around.
Jack spoke: “forget shooting them, let the bastards burn!!!”

Wolfman Jack jumped to the house in the tree.
First, he grabbed Earl’s ex-wife, and then the Dixies three.
They jumped to the roof, the chicks begged to flee.
Wolfman Jack had no intention as such.
Out came a flamethrower that could be deemed way too much.
“You four can leave, I am going to burn these monsters; with glee.”

The power returned, and the speakers awoke.
Jack turned on his weapon and put his flame to the ground,
They writhed in pain from both flame and when MC Moses deluxe spoke,
Between Jewish rap and the burning undead, it's an awful sound.

Last of the Zombies Alive was our chief, elected number 43.
Wolfman Jack spoke to him, “I am letting you free.”
Bush spoke, “Why spare me, I do not know what to think”
Jack replied, “I will let you live, if you agree to once again drink.
Long have we suffered from a dry drunk in office, you must return
The booze you gave up lead you to Born Again, preventing you to think,
If you do not choose to give up booze, you will burn!
You will remove your love of the oil of some Islamic state
Continue to thrive on it, the lone result is hate.
Freedom and love, you have called it all pink,
Love and peace are communism not, but about what we earn!
Come on Chicks. Come on wife of Earl. Leave this not to spurn
Hunger only has one effect, for humanity to yearn!”

Many didn’t want a lesson, though they understood.
Life is complicated and this is such that we weep.
From any survival in life in the suburbs or the hood,
Quality is about one’s morals, not the company we keep.

Bush re-boarded his plane, his identity was spoiled,
The chicks returned to recording, and Earl’s wife went back,
The good will wait, and builds it’s wrath coiled,
God Bless America saved by a man named Wolfman Jack.