This is an oldie but goodie

Originally written 4-02-04

I thought I'd change things up and do something a little different:

So now I will transform into:

Archibald Montenegro, reviever of bad films galore.

Grind (2003):

Somewhere in the late stages of 2001-2002, one of the studio execs must have noticed that skateboarding was popular again, like it was in the mid 80's and late 60's. Also seeing that it was popular to those of their main target demo (14-18 year olds), they thought they couldn't miss.

First off, we must realize that a good skating movie has never been made, and likely never will be made. Thrasin has the Chili Peppers and still sucks ass. So does california Air and that movie where they have an inline skate race at the end and one of the boys states: RULE #1: There are no rules.

Essentially, watching a movie about a subjective judgement sport is about as compelling as listening to poetry in dead languages. You still don't know the winner in the end. It's really hard to tell who had the superior run unless someone messes up. Instead of having the game end on a last shot or a game saving block, you watch two poeople do routines. I mean, I have watched Bring it On a few times. As well as Center Stage. But in the end, I was still looking around going "why did someone lose." I am not putting these down as sports, well, not entirely, but as for movie engines, I mean, I would have no idea who won the skate off at the end of this movie if not for the celebration of the characters. This also goes for "You got SERVED BITCH" (I added the last word) I mean, unless one of the poeple messes up, who outside of dance experts can tell who wins (sorry, I'm having a hard time writing these following words) a hip...hop...dance...off.

Anyway, Grind is a terrible movie on almost every level. There are multiple scenes where the action/ punchline seems to go on way too long or cuts before any discernable turn out. In one instance, the good group of skaters is in a highway throwing war with the rival...wigger...skaters (and no, it doesn't really even make sense in the context of the film). Just when you hear the engine of the good guys van rev up and it looks like they are going to move to a bigger showdown, there is a cut to the side of the highway. Me and my friends were dying at this point.

This film also has the single worst character in cinema in years, (if you ever see it, you'll know who I am talking about immediately). The only one comparrable is John Laroquette in Richie Rich (or Mac Culkin, for that matter in that movie. *side note, when the guy who does the voiceovers for Dodge out acts everyone in a movie, ho boy). This kid spends half of the movie with his lips puckered and continually lays some of the worst lines that someone must have thought were funny out. (He does have one good one, where upon falling he yells "I think I sprained my taint!) But rest assured if not for that, he actually takes away from every scene he is in. It's actually a fascinating thing to watch, as there is no doubt that this movie would not be awful with anyone else, but in every scene he is in, you can just feel his dead weight bringing the scene and movie down with him. It's perhaps the greatest act of sabotage in years. It's quite an accomplishment when you actually want to strangle an actor for being so damned awful.

So lets recap here:

The worst actor in a movie in years.
An indecipherable climactic skating showdown.
Scenes that either go nowhere or cut halfway in.

And more:
Needless celeb cameos: From Tom Green to Bam Margera
A massive dance scene (to Play that funky music, no less)
Awful skate punk soundtrack (really, these kids all have NOFX stickers, so how can they tolerate Simple Plan)

AND FINALLY

Near the third act of the movie, the group of the boys go to a Clown College, where upon they find the annoying actors parents. They reuinte and he says he's a slackers because he really wants his folks attention (NO I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP)

This movie is really a sight to be seen, an act of both corporate greed and artistic incompetence. Bravo.

If it's ever coming on TV, either run, or grab 3 friends and 20 beers, and you'll have a blast.