Vent Session. A La Joey

Okay queens, enough of miss congeniality! Time to stretch out those panties and let a lil life in. Get physical!

• Why do women say they will do something and then don’t? If you say you’re going to call me — do it! If you can’t, call as soon as you can and simply explain. When you don’t call, I chalk you up as an inconsiderate loser wasting my time with stupid head games.
  
  
• To all the elitist queens who parade around with ego and pretension: Your number is coming up.
  
  
• Crotch trimming = effeminate? I trim because it’s comfortable.
  
  
• Just because I’m living with a successful wealthy older woman doesn’t mean I’m a gold-digger! So, next time you see us at the grocery store, don’t ask if she’s buying me organic baby formula!
  
  
• Reality Check! How can you sit in the chatroom telling me how I am wasting my life in a bar? At least I actually get out of my house and risk rejection in the real world. Unplug your computer and hold a real conversation, face to face, some day.
  
  
• Shame on your mothers for not teaching you not to judge a book by its cover and to treat others as you like to be treated. Stop playing your online games.
  
  
• Yes I have heard the word “professional.” Prostitutes are professionals, too, so it’s not about education or skills, it’s about how much you are compensated when you get fucked!
  
  
• Restroom tip ..29: Ladies, before returning to the bar area, make sure your lipstick isn’t smudged and your hair is on right.
  
  
• How come when a woman is interested in me, she gives me her phone number? This is stupid. If she wants to ask me out or have sex, she needs to ask for my number and then give me a call. I’m not going to do her pursuing for her.
  
  
• Does your grandmother know you borrowed her arms? Get off the nelly crosstrainer already and pick up a barbell sometime, if you can.
  
  
• I love seeing immaculate hiking boots on people. They’d have more character — and so would you — if they were actually used on a mountain trail now and then.
  
  
• People who use looks to judge their superiority often end up paying for a lot of plastic surgery to keep their illusion of superiority.
  
  
• Reality check of the day: There are older women who are assholes and there are younger women who are assholes. Stop limiting yourself to appearances and types. You are the only one who loses.
  
  
• I’m tall, good-looking, athletic, and doing well. I’m also 24, white, and in certain neighborhoods those things are the kiss of death.
  
  
• I just wasted seven months of my life dating a 45-year-old woman I met online. She lied about her age, her life, history, finances and more. It would be so much easier if people could just be honest with each other.
  
  
• My ex-friend had no confidence when we met. Over the years, I managed to convince her of her worth as a person. Now she doesn’t have the time for a quick call just to see how I’m doing. I would never treat anyone the way I’ve been treated.
  

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Vainty Faire

Two Years.

If you remember this, you're not a better man than me... If can see it without teardrops forming as you get a a rush of bittersweet sentiment mixed with a bit of hubris and humility, then maybe you are. Two fucking years. I didn't think I would live two years.

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Coup d'Taunt

A general public service announcement. At 24, Christina Aguilera looks like a 35 year old Minnie Driver. I met Minnie Driver this weekend and at 35, she looks like a 60 year old transient. Gwen Stefani is clearly trying to be Madonna, and is failing miserably (which is to say, she is succeeding). Is it worse to morph from motor-city white trash to an english poseur, or from garden-grove white trash to a glamrock fashionista? Gwen married a british homo, Madonna married a brit and made him a homo. Why won't any spelling dictionary recognize the word morph, but how amazing is it that the only suggested replacement for Aguilera is uglier? Either way, next to Busty Cops, I think that Wild Things 3 is the finest softcore ever produced.

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Flight vs. Invisibility

As a companion piece to my rave of the Incredibles, I would like to add:

The superheroes superpowers list!

I don’t even want to try to explain how much more complicated women are than men. The simple answer to understanding both is that they want it all. The difference between men and women lies in the fact that once women get everything they aren’t happy, and men could never ever get everything that they ever want.

Aside from an argument about the role of materialism in society as it applies to women, and to be fair they are being force fed it from birth, this list is about more. It is about understanding men.

Men, in the world we have, only want sex. At its most base level, all we would like is sexual pleasure. In ascending order: Hand jobs, blowjobs, sex, anal, MFF, and MFF anal, etc, that’s what we want. All of the cars, all of the houses, all of the clothes are simply pretenses to the fact that we want to get laid. But that’s in the world we live in.

Women live on estrogen which simultaneously endows them with the ability to create life and to be stunningly beautiful (read as they have tits).

Men are cursed/blessed with testosterone. If you want to know why men masturbate far more than women do it’s because of this substance flowing in our blood. Estrogen is a supplement for women, it’s a chemical that endows them with their feminine gifts (as well as their irrationality, lack of direction, inability to enjoy videogames, and a desire to change everything in their habitat).

For every man, Testosterone is the greatest drug in the world. It’s natural, it’s semi-addictive, and it makes us do things.

Of course, one of the drawbacks of having access to such a wondrous chemical is that it makes you inevitably selfish. We would rather fuel this drug than do anything else. Whether it is procreation, fighting, sports, whatever, we would rather do this before succumbing to our estrogen-fueled compatriots. (Side argument, gay guys do not have it best, because I think most straight males pick on them for bucking the system of society, all other reasons are way below)

But if you asked any male, they could honestly tell you that they rather not have their life rotate around their sexual impulses. I mean, as great as it is, sex is far too often too much trouble than it’s worth. That fact that in itself, that sex is a drug is an argument too deep for a blog, and so I will finally…

GET ON WITH IT

Most men would kill for superpowers. And by kill, I mean both figuratively and literally. They would kill a man to be superman, and they would also absolutely eschew women and the continuation of their family line to be able to be an X-men.

If the offer was to be either sex (unless you are offering rockstar of Hugh Hefner levels of sexual activity, which is a superpower in it's own) or superpowers, society would almost certainly end. Men would ultimately move into a realm of fighting other men over anything, and for those men who didn’t belong in certain battles, they would watch 24/7, as the ability to not sleep would be one of the first superpowers that would be taken.

AND NOW:

THE SUPER POWERS LIST!!!!!

The 15 best superpowers that anyone could have.

The list is a combination of many sources, because this, in truth is what men talk about. I have spent at least 4 entire work shifts doing superpower drafts, where each person takes a power (up to 30 picks total), an animal friend, an animal friend, and a vehicle. As much as my logic rules, many of the arguments within are from men I have worked with.

15. Ice/ Fire powers: This entails the ability to either freeze stuff or to create fire/ manipulate it. The ice power is not just limited to freezing items to stop them in their tracks, but to create paths for oneself, to fix bridges and create paths to get to other locations, an ability to impasse rather than bypass. Fire is the opposite in terms of result, as it is one of incineration instead of manipulation, or a basic create vs. destroy. In essence they are two sides of an environmental manipulation coin that deserve their own listings, but I like the number 15 for lists.

14. Alchemy. For those who never learned about the weird phenomenon of scientists in times before more certain science who tried to turn Mercury into Gold by removing one atomic particle (specifically it was two, the proton and the electron, but that’s a science lesson I am 5 years from giving) and therefore taking a plentiful and cheap element and making a scarce and valuable one. Anyway Alchemy has turned into a metaphor for taking one thing of lesser value and turning it into something fantastic, like adding an editor to this website, and in more baser cultural terms, this is the Midas touch expanded, the ability to turn anything to something else. It would be wonderful to turn the aluminum into gold so one could have unlimited wealth, or sand into Francium so one could destroy another person (Francium with water = explosion and thusly a restricted substance) but the power is limited due to resources around you and still not as good as #13.

13. Super intelligence. This would be defined as Einstein type intelligence without the Autistic like drawbacks he had, I mean, he could barely cross the street on his own, but he came up with the theory of relativity. Think of this as the ability to decipher the world around you as well as the likely outcome of those you face. It’s one of unlimited power, but the drawback is that nothing can be done without anyone else (important if no one can help you carry out the endgame, see Syndrome in The Incredibles).

12. Weather powers – Think Storm in X men. This is the ability to summon weather storms at will, from snow, to tornados, to floods. The problem is that this power is limited to a certain area, and even though one could fly on the wind, they still can’t match the powers above or catch-

11. Super Speed—While the Flash simply could run from his problems if they were too many, the fact is that unless you could overpower a man with super speed, you could move too fast for them.

10. Invisibility – The rules on this are as follows. You can turn it on and off. (i.e. Fantastic Four) Your clothes can turn with you (an invisible person does not have to work nude) but that which you carry cannot, i.e. a bag of money or a gun. This is an ability of stealth. One can sneak into secret meetings and locations, but actually doing anything would give you away unless you do it outside of other peoples view. One could change the world, but it would be very difficult, and one would get caught if not completely thorough.

09. Telekinesis/ mind control – The ability to move things with ones mind. It is of course limited in a certain size matter, as you couldn’t move the Earth, or likely anything bigger than a truck. In my mind, the cap weight for moving stuff with your mind is like that of an ant, no more than 50 times your size. People, yes, rocks and such, of course, but it’s still only up to three objects at a time, so fighting a massive crowd would be really tough. As with mind control, it’s still only going to be limited to one person at a time.

8. Spiderman abilities – The only character specific ability on this list. From the ability to move fast, to climb walls, to webbing, this is a dandy, but because they are of the ability of a creature before it (so maybe spider sense doesn’t exist, but we’ll let it go). It’s speed, strength, stealth, and power, but you are still limited to certain areas like New York, as someone with #7 would be effective in Nebraska, as web slinging would not be as effective.

7. Flight- You can go anywhere from normal human top speed 30 miles an hour at top human recorded speed to 1000 miles an hour a la superman. Still this is an ability to move from place to place without restrictions and boundaries. But also, I mean, it’s the ability to fly, that is amazing as is.

6. Super Strength. I won’t include an ability to jump really far because of massive leg muscles, a la the Hulk, but I will concede a certain ability to move faster, jump higher, and withstand more pain. But mainly, it’s like the Hulk, Superman, and Thor abilities, to simply overpower most every other Super. Taking down walls, stopping cars with a fist, punching an enemy 200 feet, this is super strength, and one can only outrun a strongman for so long.

5. Invulnerability – It seems like it should be the top power for the simple idea that you couldn’t be stopped. But even though bullets, fire, cold, or whatever couldn’t stop you, there are ways to limit the capabilities of invincibility, as one can simply run away, lock you away, or simply move in mass numbers. You may not ever be hurt, but you can’t stop anyone.

Now we get into the ultimate powers:

4. Shape Shifter – So you cannot take a person’s abilities, nor can you assume their presence while you mimic them. BUT this is not limited to people, one could turn into a wall substance to hide, or a person and you do have voice mimic ability. So, this is t-1000 from Terminator powers, nothing complicated, but one where most situations cannot hurt you (the only being extreme heat and cold). Doppelganger abilities, camouflage know how, and so on.

3. Stop/Start time – This is the ability to stop the flow of time (limited to a 2 square mile radius, in terms of ultimate effect, i.e. you can’t stop time and go around the world with no consequences). But, this is one of those powers where you don’t need anything else, you simply have to stop time and avoid bullets, move past henchmen, topple the bad guy as he is suspended, and then walk away. It is wonderful and hard to stop, but not as good as the next two.

2. Time travel--- Almost as powerful as can be, as one can move through time and the ability to redo situations. One could also move to certain locations within a certain area. With the whole problem of time changing paradoxes this poses a problem but if done right, this would be an ability where one could (lets impose a 1 square mile radius) correct the problems as they arise. But because of the problems of messing with time, and the fallibility of messing with imaginary time, it’s still not as good and fantastic as:

1. Teleportation: Aside from never having to take a cab home from a bar or a friends place drunk again, this power would allow you almost unlimited power. Look at the opening scene of X:2 for an example. Even with a restriction of travel, this is a power of flight, escaping, speed (you could transport after every punch), and everything but time travel. This ability is one that is almost able to negate almost every power above it. Only if a super strength being got off a direct hit on you would go down. But other than that, what could stop you?

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Ready for launch

This week marks the release of the Incredibles on DVD. My 7-11 was selling it a day early and so, of course, I had to buy it. The film is an absolute gem. If you were to simply take away the character development and the humor, the film would have still been in the top 10 of last year on the strength of it’s action scenes. It’s not just that the characters have amazing powers, it’s that the scenes which they use them in are overflowing with imagination.

Examples:

Elastigirl is sneaking through the enemy base and gets caught in a door. She then follows a man to get his key to open the door her leg is stuck in, only to… get her torso stuck in another door.

Dash is evading the saw-choppers (or whatever you would call the flying devices on the island) and even before he makes his daring escape on water, he runs through a mass of flies and has to suffer through swallowing a few of them and wiping them off his face.

Even when there are traditional nods to super’s needing certain elements to be effective (a la how Silver Surfer rarely faced a situation where his powers couldn’t help or Aquaman always found water to help in the direst of moments) like Frozone needing a drink of water, they still manage to seem natural and not forced.

Even Syndrome’s island, while merely a set piece, is an absolute marvel or creativity. Much of it seems like a James Bond movie taken to the extreme with a rail system, splitting water- and lava- falls, to the Spartan interiors of the compound. Wondrous conceptions litter the landscape so that no corner of film is left unnoticed in conception in a way that A New Hope and Empire seemed to do.

But the characters! In it’s basic sense it is essentially a struggle of growing old on a supercharged scale, with the struggles of attempting to regain the lost adventures of youth and the innately forced mediocrity of routine and rhythm as driving forces. The motives of the older supers arcs are not those of Old School where the boys want the simple pleasures, they are broadened to levels where Mr. Incredible and Frozone are forced to subsume their gifts given for the greater good of the population (the sub theme of the chosen vs. the normal is a thesis in it’s own). The characters are not based on their powers, they exist because they struggle with the notion of acting in the greater good with their talents, and they have to face the reality of power vs. freedom, notoriety over restraint, happiness and a sense of selfishness vs. the freedom of others.

The thing is the thing though, and motivations and back-stories mean squat if the person on screen isn’t an entity of it’s own. There are 7 central characters, and most of them are formidably developed and explored. We as viewers get Dash and Violet as kids. We can buy Frozone as an ancillary/bonus creation, and a gem of one even if the race card is heavily played. The government official has a sense of normalcy and abruptness in a bureaucratic way, but one can tell he is going against his better judgment.

The big three deserve their own parts.

Elastigirl is a basic character resigned to a foil/wife/wet blanket role. But she is one who overcomes the trappings of the role in both a plot sense and in a literal way. She begins as a simple woman who has become to preoccupied with her other responsibilities, and crucially, as a woman who refuses to retain her “identity.”

Syndrome is a typical bad guy hell bent from honest intentions, and instead moves to terror for a selfish endgame. Deep down, he is a child that wants to be special (nicely balanced with Dash’s wishes to not withhold his given rights) and below the need for an approval from the masses, there is the superficial drive to be the only super around and then to diminish the whole mystique when he is done. If this movie was (more deliberately) a critique of class, he would be a champion of mass rights, and more of a likeable character. He is a villain because his methods are awful, but his motivations are not terrible.

And then there is Mr. Incredible. He is a good guy to the core, and one who is unabashedly sympathetic. He cheers when he can do the right thing, he wants to be special, but because of the changes in society, he is relegated to an equal. One could make a thesis on how he represents the modern role of the male in society, required to be functional, rarely appreciated, and restrained from taking joy in what he is best at. I make that assertion because the movie, despite being a “kids movie” is above and beyond the normal film, no pretense, that is in the cinema today. But I am not going to go further with the notion of his role as a reflection on modernity, because it’s a hollow argument, one that may be right but one that is essentially pointless. He is though, above all, a hero. And in an era where the term is tossed around way too lightly, it is nice to see an honest depiction of the ideal and the definition of the word.

These 7 characters existence in a movie is a reason to celebrate in itself. But the joy of the movie is not seeing them in action, it is watching them move.
The great stroke of Brad Bird in this movie is one of teasing, one that I can only compare to A New Hope. In both movies, we learn of the back-story of the heroes (Jedis and Supers) in terms of character development. We are teased with flashes of their skills, but its not until the second half of the movie we are fully exposed what they are truly capable of. In the Incredibles, we are given scenes like Mr. I and Frozone saving people in a fire; in a New Hope we see Obi-Wan dismissing storm troopers with mind tricks (these aren’t the droids you’re looking for).

When the family is on the island and finally begins to use their powers, it’s a release that has been building but one we never could have expected. It’s like a fireworks show, with Dash running over water, Violet sneaking, and Elastigirl and Mr. I fighting together. Luke took down the Death Star by simply letting go. That is why I use the analogy.

But above all the critical reasons why this film is a masterpiece, there is still the one reason that is hardest to put into words, the joy of the film itself. It is the hardest notion to capture, whether one is trying to praise the movie or dismiss it. But this film, in it’s universal acceptance really taps into one pulse that almost everyone can relate to.

Finally, the four are reunited and in the explosion of an attacking ship, we see Mr. I and Elastigirl look at each other and say I love you. Not only have those two been dying for the moment to use their powers, we as the audience have been reminded of what these characters really can do. It’s a perfect line for a moment, because both the characters on screen and the audience are relishing the same moment, the holding back of the movie before it has been lifted, and we are reminded why we are attracted to these type of characters.

We love heroes.

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These are Kenny’s that died. DIED. Died.

The top 10 South Park Episodes, in order for needless debate and appeasement of personal boredom.

I won 50 bucks on a lottery ticket. Instead of saving, I went to Target and bought South Park season 5 on DVD. How about that.

South Park began as a sort of goofy diversion on Wednesday nights. It was somewhere between Simpsons (media perceived) vulgarity and a gimmick show about swearing third graders as a mode of creation. I hated it when it first came out. I was 16 and getting my mind set on the ideals of great art that would eventually be thrown out the window in the middle of my education. I thought it was stupid and pointless. The first episode I ever saw was Weight Gain 4000 and I thought it was pretty weak, not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because I was on a high and mighty perch of presumed intellectualism that had me buying into the critical hype about this show being a one trick pony.

I have Ty Thompson to thank for changing my view. He was one of those nutty stoner kids from High School that everyone had and can remember. During my morning soccer practice the Thursday after WG 4000, and he was yelling “BEEFCAKE! BEEEEEFFFFCAKEEEEEEE!” to thunderous laughter.

Thanks to him, I have been watching since.

But really, who could have predicted that this show about foul-mouthed 3rd/ 4th graders could (not would) be a show about everything. A media setup that is able to, in most cases, find the perfect balance between opposing views (Remember this is America, there are only two viewpoints, Christians (and richers) who think something should be one way, and everyone else who opposes them).

The show has the ability to take down a celebrity of needless stature (Paris, J-lo, Sally Struthers) and those of quality who are making terrible choices (Russell Crowe, Spielberg and Lucas), with a very lowbrow approach that is both very blunt and seemingly mean spirited, yet ultimately redeeming because the show gets it right and the convictions behind the attack are made of sound mind and not out of displaced political convictions.

It also can take on the political battle and realize the good of both sides and refine the actuality of the situation to a 22 minute show, and to do in a way that’s it’s entertainment, not an essay or rant.

The show itself could be divided into two sections, both with two subsections in each.

The obvious divide is the 3rd and 4th grade years. The creators decided to progress the boys in age (a rarity in any non live medium, with Doonsebury being the only other example I can think of), and whether or not it was a connected choice to progress the scope of the show, it certainly seems like that, as there was a huge jump in what the expanded and grew into. This shift was also around the time Stone and Parker made the movie.

The movie was not only a commercial success (one that would have been better if most of the tickets bought for Wild Wild West were applied to those people who went to go see Bigger, Longer, and Uncut), but one that got unreal critical praise. It was #3 on EW’s best films of the year. On my list in retrospect, it’s probably #1 now, though The Matrix, American Beauty, and Toy Story 2 could also take that spot, and I am not going to think about where Fight Club fits right now.

Watching the 3rd grade years was like watching a boy genius with superpowers. They did amazing things but too often, it was about the simplicity and the immediate not the end result. The first season has many classic moments and plots, but like most Family Guy episodes, they were hysterical in bits but they rarely held together as full texts, too often they were so scattershot that they couldn’t stand on their own. Around the 3rd season the show began to produce fully formed episodes that can exist on their own. Ep’s like Red Badge of Gayness and Succubus were not only able to draw on the hilarity of outrageous characters and scenarios, they began to tie together in the end without deus ex machina type finality (WG 4000, or Chef Aid).

The latter and now current era is one where the shows are more often than not, events in their own sense with each new broadcast. There are occasional episodes that feel like they are simply filling time like the earlier seasons (Casa Bonita) or ones that simply fail (South Park is Gay). The former simply was a rehash of the Cartman persona as a dickhead full of selfish motivation and terrible modes of success (like Mr. Busch) the latter was a weak attempt to make fun of a media pop phenomenon that was repetitive, missed the mark, and chickened out on the solution (even if the solution had a great overture-CRAB PEOPLE, CRAB PEOPLE)

Aforementioned apologetic statements aside, the second era is not only one of brilliance, but a rare exception in TV history where the show got better as it progressed. This could not have happened if not for external events. While the 2000 election and 9/11 will likely date the shows directly about them, the creators saw the difference in the world, and unlike other shows of this time, evolved. The show changed to one of reckless artistic freedom to one of calculated satire, yet still one done by people who were, at this time in the creators growth, genius teenagers with superpowers.

Now, onto the main event:

Just off the list
Gnomes
Prehistoric Ice Man
Succubus
Red Badge of Gayness
Osama Bin Laden has farty pants
Pre-School


10. Cripple Fight – If only for the titular event. While the rest of the 22 minutes is consumed in a decent debate of homosexuality in organizations for kids, it’s really about the cripple fight. Not the best wire to wire, to I mean, have you seen that battle.

9. The Wacky Molestation Adventure: (Season 4) It begins as a simple feud between Kyle and his parents over going to see the Raging Pussies (the only weak joke in the episode). After that, Cuba is freed. Then the entire child population claims molestation on their elders. It then morphs into a Mad Max post-apocalyptic world where the children run everything (terribly, natch) and split into two clans (Cartman vs. Stan and Kyle). Between the little bits about kindergartners to the new mythology (carnival, the white line, and such) to Cartman yelling “OUTLAND-ER, WE HAVE YOUR WOMAN” it’s a great study on how reckless these children are, and even as stupid as their parents can be, the kids in charge can be much worse.

8. Fat-butt and Pancake Head – (Season 7) They had been making fun of J. Lo for a few seasons before this, as well as Ben Affleck. Then came the penultimate episode on the woman who has never toured because she can’t actually sing. The joy of this episode is not that they just rip on the two celebrities, it’s how far the creators go in the obscurity of the final actions. It’s how perverse (Cartman’s “hand” going down on Ben), racist (the taco songs and the cops orders to J. Lo) , and ludicrous (Cartman’s hand is actually Mitch Connors) they actually make the end results.

7. Towelie – (Season 5) A great adventure takes place in this episode where aliens, the military, evil corporations, and technology are all threatening to ruin the world. Except the boys couldn’t care less. Not only does it have great character ploys (Towelie is a masterpiece of technology but is a stoner) but it has sublime little bits, like Towelie figuring out the first few bars to Funky Town and the boys rationalizing how much longer they can play more videogames. It also has one of the three funniest lines in the show with Cartman’s disapproving of Stan’s mom’s tampon in the trash “You shouldn’t have done that. He’s just a boy!”

6. An elephant fucks a pig (Season 1) – The lone entry from the 1st run on this list. The first episode that not only went out to extremes in plot (see title) but also began to get tons of mileage from its minor players. Garrison, Mephisto, the bad kids (who always are calling stuff gay) and even a very special appearance from Mr. Elton John (not really him, but a near dead on voice). The one liners themselves are some of the best in the show:

Well, spank my ass and all me Charlie, two A+ students in a cloning war. (Garrison)

Don’t you know that song by Loverboy: “A pig and an elephants DNA just don’t splice!” Chef.

Elephant and a pig, that won’t work, haven’t you ever heard that song by Loverboy (Mephisto)

I’m lusciously sorry. (Mephisto)

Thank Buddha I found you boys. (Mephisto)

Pa-chomp-pa-chewy-chomp (Mutant Stan)

(looking on as an elephant is penetrating a pig:) Know I now how all those white women felt. (Chef)

Four assed animals. Cloning wars. The first real Shelly appearance. This was the first time when you felt anything in the show could happen.

5. Kenny Dies (Season 5) No, it’s not a misprint. Kenny actually dies for good in this one. Not only did the creators decide to stop doing a gimmick that wasn’t amusing anymore (unlike Home Improvement’s Wilson and his never clear face). But in very unorthodox fashion, they make the whole show gut wrenching. Sure, it’s funny in parts, but it is amazing how emotional it gets, and how well they are able to carry a through line of drama. Maybe it cops out a bit in the end, all in all this is able to cement Stone and Parker as storytellers.

4. Woodland Critter Christmas (Season 8) – South Park has had some great Christmas episodes, unlike the Simpsons. From Mr. Hankey, to the Cartman family, to the adventures of Santa and Jesus (either singing songs or fighting in Iraq) the show is always able to rise to the season. This one, however, caught me completely off guard in exceeding my expectations. I knew it was going to be both funny and over the top. What I, or anyone for that matter, suspected is that the show was going to have a bunch of lovable critters with their annual ceremony about the immaculate conception to be one of hellish nature. Nor did I even fathom the critters having a blood orgy. And in no way would I have ever believed I would see Mountain Lion Cubs learning how to perform an abortion. Not only was this an entry into the cannon of Holiday episodes, but it was one of the best comedy half hours ever. In short, never ever underestimate South Park.

3. Good Times with weapons (Season 8) A dynamite episode through and through. Think of this episode as Sgt. Pepper. It was a show that stayed true to it’s roots but also expanded the boundaries of which the show was set it. Combining Anime and the traditional cardboard animation for an episode that is not only drop on the floor hysterical, but also genuinely exciting to watch, as the boys transform into masterful fighting ninjas with amazing powers.

2. Cancelled (Season 7) Perhaps the only good condemnation of reality TV that isn’t preachy. So maybe Earth isn’t special at all, but it’s actually a reality TV show made from other planets. It’s not great because it’s a great statement on our slowly degrading TV culture, implying that we as viewers are being played by much more powerful sources than we could fathom. It’s not great because a Jewish alien race is the one behind it. And it’s not because there is alien gay sex. It’s because there is a Taco that poops ice-cream. And you don’t question it.

1. Goo Backs (Season 8) As far as I know, South Park is the only show to even remotely tackle the issue of illegal immigrants, maybe even the only major media source to do so. What is even more amazing is that the show does it in compelling fashion, having both sides of the argument in play in the show (naturally they dismiss both), and one that tries to offer a solution of making everything better instead of making it worse. That alone could not only enter the Show into the canon of great TV. What makes this episode the best South Park of all time, and one of the best half hours of comedy history are two things. 1. The rednecks (read Americans) solution to preventing the goo backs from coming back to the past is to: have gay sex and eliminate the future.

2. The simple 4 words that any two fans of the show can say for hours. THEY TOOK OUR JOBS.

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COLD Play

I really fucking hate Playboy magazine. At best it's the Jay Leno of softcore - the most popular of its kind, but completely banal and without even a semblance of interesting content. If Jay Leno is the epitome of comedy but will never make you laugh aloud, so is Playboy is synonymous with porn, but will never really get your dick hard. It's a flavorless, uncontroversial waste of print that on its best days uses celeb cameos in formulaic photo spreads to move product, but more often relies on sycophantic pandering to pop news references as filler between the seven pages of naughty bits that are facsimiles of the pictures that have filled those spots for the past fiftyish years.


A generous stranger recently handed down a box of the past two years of Playboy along with the corresponding two years of Lucky Magazine. I would be more likely to rub one out to the Lucky at this point. First, as I said, there are about fifteen pictures per magazine of tit & bush - that's less than I would see on a single TGP link, and even less than I would see in a European fashion or photography magazine. Maybe excusable if the pictures were hot, but they're literally regurgitation of the same photos that have appeared in the magazine every month since Marilyn graced the cover! I'm not some queen who kvetches about models not being a realistic representation of women in this world - I think I would puke out of my eye sockets after seeing 95% of the women in this world naked - but that the compositions, sets, lighting, and props haven't changed is nothing short of tedious. I have a few antique Playboys from the early 1980s sitting on my desk, and right now I am looking at a photo of Lynda Weismeier that is identical - down to the panties - of a shot of Camila Decesare that was printed in the magazine a few months ago. It's amazing how the magazine has so thoroughly mechanized the process of nude photography - most of the time it doesn't even matter if the girl is blonde ore brunette because after a few kilos of makeup, about a dozen CTO gelled hotlights, and a visit to the frisky fingers of the AD photoshop intern, pretty much every photo of every girl looks identical... When I see a Playboy photo spread, I see tedium, I see stasis... I see bales of hay and sometimes a fleetside chevy pickup or a whimsical french bicycle.


Sometimes the magazine does depart from the monotony of tightpussy midwesterners to showcase a C-List celebrity muff, but exciting as it seems to check out a Wrestlemania chick's monster box five years after anyone on the planet thought she was even remotely hot, the pictures are always a huge letdown. First, the talent - they're like the mid-80s sitcom stars and band members that come to your local white-trash strip mall ribbon cutting - they're hardly famous, you hate their work, but because they did something somewhere a long time ago that was recorded, you cream your cortas at the oppertunity to see them because for the next thirty years of your miserable life, you can tell your kids and coworkers and friends all about the time you met Rerun from Whats Happening (RIP Fred Berry). That's what the "celebs" who pose for Playboy are like. But beyond that, the pictures are horrid! Either the women being shot are clothes-on-attractive (think Kelly Ripa, or your friend's mom that you wanted to bang in 7th grade - a fine piece of ass in a tank top and casual slacks, but jawbreaker when the panties drop), or are actually hot, but are shot with the most unflattering poses / expressions imaginable. Eva Herzigova, Rachel Hunter, Brooke Burke, Amy Acuff, Jamie Pressly, Shannon Elizabeth, Denise Richards - they are all above-average women, but look like stoic death in their respective pictorials - every one. I've never actually seen a picture of celebrity in Playboy and been impressed.

The other gimmick that is employed periodically is the Girls of... feature. This is where Playboy takes a hot topic brand and scours it for the three employees who don't look like zoo animals (note to Hef: Girls of Hot Topic). The frumpy, dumpy girls with prereq man-jaw and overbites are placed on a set of unlicensed faux branding of the popular company, and surrounded by the most cliched one-liner puns imaginable ("...The steamy women of Starbucks show us a latte love!" Zing!). I thought this was something new - The girls of Enron, Starbucks, Walmart, et al, but a look back to 1982 shows Playboy's bleeding edge feature, Girls of Ma Bell! I can hardly wait for the Girls of T-Mobile - a double feature of homely Tennessee t-mobile chicks with superstar headline, Catherine Zeta... good times.


After those half-dozen pages of the mag that actually feature girls, Playboys really goes downhill. First, the witty quip you greet the magazine with, "I only read it for the articles." Fag! Jesus fucking christ, reading Playboy for the articles is like joining a frat for the brotherhood! Yeah, the magazine is about as sexy as Levis ad, but if you can't admit that you like to stare at tits then you don't deserve to have a dick! Die already! I understand that at some point in a man's life a woman comes along and places his cock in a secure lockbox under her bed next to the Medicare, but seriously, who are these guys who don't have enough spine to embrace labia, and do they know how worthless their lives are? Beyond these boys being huge fags, they're also complete imbeciles. Playboy has miserable articles! They're fucking terrible and the only people whom think they're good are fratboys and sycophantic ass-pony corporate drones who think a wild time is hitting up a Happy Hour brewski and Bloomin' Onion at Chili's with the guys in Mergers & Acquisitions. That 20 Questions with Stevie Nicks was a real page-turner, and the Playboy guide to meeting a Scientologist, Pulitzer material. The movie reviews are stale, the comics are atrocious, and the various guides to being a sophisticated man are fucking rubbish ("Dude, a girl will like totally make out with you if you have a scented candle in your room - that lets them know you're really romantic. And shhh! don't tell, but putting on a Barry White CD totally lets her know that you're a sensitive guy"). If you need the watered down Playboy expose to tell you that there are tragedies in Iraq, go kill yourself. If you actually find Playboy Advisor questions like, "Do girls like it when you go down on them?" useful, go kill youself.

Then there's the worst of all - the greatest crime a magazine could commit - the party pics page. Wow! Not only do you have to see shrivel-dick Hefner with his seven goldbricking prostitutes every other picture, but you also have to look at the likes of Gene Simmons, Fred Durst, and Verne Troyer, getting squished between mammoth juggies because in some alternate universe they are considered celebrities. It's bad enough that ditzy sluts will fuck a three foot tall failed abortion because he was in a movie with Mike Meyers, but do we really have to parade their dirty trysts around like bobo the goddamn circus clown? Aren't we better than that?


Playboy is a case study for success through mediocrity. It proves that if you take 184 pages of garbage and lace it with eleven nipples and five or six vulvas you can be a millionaire. My plea to the readers of Playboy is simple - grow a fucking sac and punch the clown to the real shit, like girls fisting dudes, or preteen bukkake. If you've got some bullshit chip on your shoulder about tasteful pictures, then pick up a copy of Vogue, or BlackBook or Surface where you can see pictures that are actually tasteful of girls who are actually attractive... and you can read the articles while you pee sitting down... homo.

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Soap...To the MAX!

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls
should stick to GIRLS sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy
boxing, and such and such.

Cameraphone pic by Indiana

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Self Reflexive

Self Reflexive

Sometimes you have to decide what you care about most in life: finger banging, choke-fucking, or ninja stars.

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An axe to...

Originally written 4/2/04

I thought I'd change things up and do something a little different:

So now I will transform into:
Archibald Montenegro, reviever of bad films galore.

Grind (2003):

Somewhere in the late stages of 2001-2002, one of the studio execs must have noticed that skateboarding was popular again, like it was in the mid 80's and late 60's. Also seeing that it was popular to those of their main target demo (14-18 year olds), they thought they couldn't miss.

First off, we must realize that a good skating movie has never been made, and likely never will be made. Thrasin has the Chili Peppers and still sucks ass. So does california Air and that movie where they have an inline skate race at the end and one of the boys states: RULE #1: There are no rules.

Essentially, watching a movie about a subjective judgement sport is about as compelling as listening to poetry in dead languages. You still don't know the winner in the end. It's really hard to tell who had the superior run unless someone messes up. Instead of having the game end on a last shot or a game saving block, you watch two poeople do routines. I mean, I have watched Bring it On a few times. As well as Center Stage. But in the end, I was still looking around going "why did someone lose." I am not putting these down as sports, well, not entirely, but as for movie engines, I mean, I would have no idea who won the skate off at the end of this movie if not for the celebration of the characters. This also goes for "You got Served" I mean, unless one of the poeple messes up, who outside of dance experts can tell who wins (sorry, I'm having a hard time writing these following words) a hip...hop...dance...off.

Anyway, Grind is a terrible movie on almost every level. There are multiple scenes where the action/ punchline seems to go on way too long or cuts before any discernable turn out. In one instance, the good group of skaters is in a highway throwing war with the rival...wigger...skaters (and no, it doesn't really even make sense in the context of the film). Just when you hear the engine of the good guys van rev up and it looks like they are going to move to a bigger showdown, there is a cut to the side of the highway. Me and my friends were dying at this point.

This film also has the single worst character in cinema in years, (if you ever see it, you'll know who I am talking about immediately). The only one comparrable is John Laroquette in Richie Rich (or Mac Culkin, for that matter in that movie. *side note, when the guy who does the voiceovers for Dodge out acts everyone in a movie, ho boy). This kid spends half of the movie with his lips puckered and continually lays some of the worst lines that someone must have thought were funny out. (He does have one good one, where upon falling he yells "I think I sprained my taint!) But rest assured if not for that, he actually takes away from every scene he is in. It's actually a fascinating thing to watch, as there is no doubt that this movie would not be awful with anyone else, but in every scene he is in, you can just feel his dead weight bringing the scene and movie down with him. It's perhaps the greatest act of sabotage in years. It's quite an accomplishment when you actually want to strangle an actor for being so damned awful.

So lets recap here:

The worst actor in a movie in years.
An indecipherable climactic skating showdown.
Scenes that either go nowhere or cut halfway in.

And more:

Needless celeb cameos: From Tom Green to Bam Margera
A massive dance scene (to Play that funky music, no less)
Awful skate punk soundtrack (really, these kids all have NOFX stickers, so how can they tolerate Simple Plan)

AND FINALLY

Near the third act of the movie, the group of the boys go to a Clown College, where upon they find the annoying actors parents. They reuinte and he says he's a slackers because he really wants his folks attention (NO I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP)

This movie is really a sight to be seen, an act of both corporate greed and artistic incompetence. Bravo.
If it's ever coming on TV, either run, or grab 3 friends and 20 beers, and you'll have a blast.

David

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Link

At the last minute we decided to throw something together with vampires. Enjoy!

I like the King Of Queens. Really do. It’s not really groundbreaking, but it’s like Everybody Likes Raymond. It’s about common mistakes and living with it. And unlike every other male as the dumbass fueled sitcom, it’s about slow burns, not snappy one-liners from the wife and kids.

You know, the ones where the kids say: “Dad, you should call the queer eye guys!” Followed by canned laughter.

Getting your wife drunk so she is more enjoyable is a good story line. It’s not Seinfeld’s ruffee to play with a girls toys, but it’s plausible. What makes the show decent is how it is able to come up with little details. It’s inevitable that she is going to find out and the man is going to get in trouble. But it’s the journey, isn’t it.

So when the father in on martini #2 waxing poetic, its not just that they are all oiled, its that he is saying lines like:

Hemingway wanted to be Faulkner, Faulkner wanted to be Joyce, and neither of them could hold a candle to Fitzgerald. AND HE WAS STUCK WITH ZELDA. Sure it is a joke that only one in a million get (we call it the Dennis Miller ratio), but it’s the flair of the actors and the subtlety they sneak in a highbrow show that has been called, by the creators no less, The adventures of Fatty, Oldie, and the Hottie.

The best moment in the show’s history is when Doug is faced with the possibility of having to live with his incompatible father in law. When he finally realizes the ramifications of this all, he doesn’t throw a fit. He simply watches his father eat his cereal in a manner that could be outlawed by the 8th amendment, and we see his face. Single Tear.

Anyway. It’s hard to recommend this show because your friend or coworker will likely not make it past 5 minutes because the theme song is that bad. Unless you are to come into every episode 5 minutes late, you will not want to watch this show. With a bad blues singer warbling “Well you’re driving home to your baby” (or something) you WILL change the channel.

Which brings us to:

THE GREATEST TV THEME SONGS EVER!!!!!

10. George of the Jungle: It’s the drums. But even more. It’s the Watch out for that… TREEEEE!

9. Ren and Stimpy: Jazzy, smart, and groovy. I wish I could track down a CD the show put out with all of their songs. Just sweet stuff.

8. Sanford and Son/ Curb Your Enthusiasm: They just set the tone with music that could be called idiotic, but the wah-wah brass just makes it great. I can only remember three things about my TV class in college. 1. L.A. Doctors. 2. TV is really racist when you look at it. 3. The theme to Sanford and Son. Ba-da-da-dun. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-dunnnn.

7. Family Ties: A love song so sappy it actually works for a show that all of us look back on with memories far to kind. It’s not a good show, but we all remember it like it was the happiest show ever. Sha-na-na-na.

6. Dukes of Hazzard. Really, this seems less like a theme song than a song they stumbled upon and put it on the show. Patient, about the show, and performed like it’s not a one time gig. If the show tanked, this could have still been a hit.

5. Moon river- It’s in the only episode (or the only part of an episode) of Sex and the City I would call great. Wait, it’s not a theme is it. What about the theme from McBain’s short lived show on Fox which died because of the host’s inappropriate remarks about homosexuals. Hmm, maybe you all are homosexuals!

(I’m sorry)

5. The Love Boat – I got kicked out of my high school senior lounge for singing this. At full volume. With the wrong lyrics. It even has nautical lyrical references (it’ll float back to you). Set a course for bad date music.

4. Cheers. It’s the piano that gets you. It’s the ahhh’s in the background that harmonize and create the sublime familiarity. Because you can play this at a bar and everyone will sing it.

3. The Jefferson’s- I pray for the day when I get a group of guys to sing this at work when they have a good day. Not only does the singer seem to stumble multiple times in her delivery, (wee-hel-llll were movinnnnn on uhhhhhpppp), her messing up makes it better. Fish don’t fry in the kitchen, beans don’t burn on the grill. Took a whole lot or ter-rye-enng, but we finally got over that hill.

2. All in the Family – Because the actors actually sang it, and sang terribly. And because I’m not putting Scooby Doo on this list. And because of Lisa’s Sax. We could use a man like Norman Lear again. Those, my friend, those were the days.
1. The Muppet Show. Tubas! Puppets! Falsettos and Baritones! People ripping on the show during the introduction. The most sensational, inspirational, celebration, muppetational, song ever!

And now for something completely different:
ROSEBUD. Yes, Rosebud frozen peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness. Wait that’s terrible.
Click somewhere on the page to proceed.

You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.

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