These are Kenny’s that died. DIED. Died.

The top 10 South Park Episodes, in order for needless debate and appeasement of personal boredom.

I won 50 bucks on a lottery ticket. Instead of saving, I went to Target and bought South Park season 5 on DVD. How about that.

South Park began as a sort of goofy diversion on Wednesday nights. It was somewhere between Simpsons (media perceived) vulgarity and a gimmick show about swearing third graders as a mode of creation. I hated it when it first came out. I was 16 and getting my mind set on the ideals of great art that would eventually be thrown out the window in the middle of my education. I thought it was stupid and pointless. The first episode I ever saw was Weight Gain 4000 and I thought it was pretty weak, not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because I was on a high and mighty perch of presumed intellectualism that had me buying into the critical hype about this show being a one trick pony.

I have Ty Thompson to thank for changing my view. He was one of those nutty stoner kids from High School that everyone had and can remember. During my morning soccer practice the Thursday after WG 4000, and he was yelling “BEEFCAKE! BEEEEEFFFFCAKEEEEEEE!” to thunderous laughter.

Thanks to him, I have been watching since.

But really, who could have predicted that this show about foul-mouthed 3rd/ 4th graders could (not would) be a show about everything. A media setup that is able to, in most cases, find the perfect balance between opposing views (Remember this is America, there are only two viewpoints, Christians (and richers) who think something should be one way, and everyone else who opposes them).

The show has the ability to take down a celebrity of needless stature (Paris, J-lo, Sally Struthers) and those of quality who are making terrible choices (Russell Crowe, Spielberg and Lucas), with a very lowbrow approach that is both very blunt and seemingly mean spirited, yet ultimately redeeming because the show gets it right and the convictions behind the attack are made of sound mind and not out of displaced political convictions.

It also can take on the political battle and realize the good of both sides and refine the actuality of the situation to a 22 minute show, and to do in a way that’s it’s entertainment, not an essay or rant.

The show itself could be divided into two sections, both with two subsections in each.

The obvious divide is the 3rd and 4th grade years. The creators decided to progress the boys in age (a rarity in any non live medium, with Doonsebury being the only other example I can think of), and whether or not it was a connected choice to progress the scope of the show, it certainly seems like that, as there was a huge jump in what the expanded and grew into. This shift was also around the time Stone and Parker made the movie.

The movie was not only a commercial success (one that would have been better if most of the tickets bought for Wild Wild West were applied to those people who went to go see Bigger, Longer, and Uncut), but one that got unreal critical praise. It was #3 on EW’s best films of the year. On my list in retrospect, it’s probably #1 now, though The Matrix, American Beauty, and Toy Story 2 could also take that spot, and I am not going to think about where Fight Club fits right now.

Watching the 3rd grade years was like watching a boy genius with superpowers. They did amazing things but too often, it was about the simplicity and the immediate not the end result. The first season has many classic moments and plots, but like most Family Guy episodes, they were hysterical in bits but they rarely held together as full texts, too often they were so scattershot that they couldn’t stand on their own. Around the 3rd season the show began to produce fully formed episodes that can exist on their own. Ep’s like Red Badge of Gayness and Succubus were not only able to draw on the hilarity of outrageous characters and scenarios, they began to tie together in the end without deus ex machina type finality (WG 4000, or Chef Aid).

The latter and now current era is one where the shows are more often than not, events in their own sense with each new broadcast. There are occasional episodes that feel like they are simply filling time like the earlier seasons (Casa Bonita) or ones that simply fail (South Park is Gay). The former simply was a rehash of the Cartman persona as a dickhead full of selfish motivation and terrible modes of success (like Mr. Busch) the latter was a weak attempt to make fun of a media pop phenomenon that was repetitive, missed the mark, and chickened out on the solution (even if the solution had a great overture-CRAB PEOPLE, CRAB PEOPLE)

Aforementioned apologetic statements aside, the second era is not only one of brilliance, but a rare exception in TV history where the show got better as it progressed. This could not have happened if not for external events. While the 2000 election and 9/11 will likely date the shows directly about them, the creators saw the difference in the world, and unlike other shows of this time, evolved. The show changed to one of reckless artistic freedom to one of calculated satire, yet still one done by people who were, at this time in the creators growth, genius teenagers with superpowers.

Now, onto the main event:

Just off the list
Gnomes
Prehistoric Ice Man
Succubus
Red Badge of Gayness
Osama Bin Laden has farty pants
Pre-School


10. Cripple Fight – If only for the titular event. While the rest of the 22 minutes is consumed in a decent debate of homosexuality in organizations for kids, it’s really about the cripple fight. Not the best wire to wire, to I mean, have you seen that battle.

9. The Wacky Molestation Adventure: (Season 4) It begins as a simple feud between Kyle and his parents over going to see the Raging Pussies (the only weak joke in the episode). After that, Cuba is freed. Then the entire child population claims molestation on their elders. It then morphs into a Mad Max post-apocalyptic world where the children run everything (terribly, natch) and split into two clans (Cartman vs. Stan and Kyle). Between the little bits about kindergartners to the new mythology (carnival, the white line, and such) to Cartman yelling “OUTLAND-ER, WE HAVE YOUR WOMAN” it’s a great study on how reckless these children are, and even as stupid as their parents can be, the kids in charge can be much worse.

8. Fat-butt and Pancake Head – (Season 7) They had been making fun of J. Lo for a few seasons before this, as well as Ben Affleck. Then came the penultimate episode on the woman who has never toured because she can’t actually sing. The joy of this episode is not that they just rip on the two celebrities, it’s how far the creators go in the obscurity of the final actions. It’s how perverse (Cartman’s “hand” going down on Ben), racist (the taco songs and the cops orders to J. Lo) , and ludicrous (Cartman’s hand is actually Mitch Connors) they actually make the end results.

7. Towelie – (Season 5) A great adventure takes place in this episode where aliens, the military, evil corporations, and technology are all threatening to ruin the world. Except the boys couldn’t care less. Not only does it have great character ploys (Towelie is a masterpiece of technology but is a stoner) but it has sublime little bits, like Towelie figuring out the first few bars to Funky Town and the boys rationalizing how much longer they can play more videogames. It also has one of the three funniest lines in the show with Cartman’s disapproving of Stan’s mom’s tampon in the trash “You shouldn’t have done that. He’s just a boy!”

6. An elephant fucks a pig (Season 1) – The lone entry from the 1st run on this list. The first episode that not only went out to extremes in plot (see title) but also began to get tons of mileage from its minor players. Garrison, Mephisto, the bad kids (who always are calling stuff gay) and even a very special appearance from Mr. Elton John (not really him, but a near dead on voice). The one liners themselves are some of the best in the show:

Well, spank my ass and all me Charlie, two A+ students in a cloning war. (Garrison)

Don’t you know that song by Loverboy: “A pig and an elephants DNA just don’t splice!” Chef.

Elephant and a pig, that won’t work, haven’t you ever heard that song by Loverboy (Mephisto)

I’m lusciously sorry. (Mephisto)

Thank Buddha I found you boys. (Mephisto)

Pa-chomp-pa-chewy-chomp (Mutant Stan)

(looking on as an elephant is penetrating a pig:) Know I now how all those white women felt. (Chef)

Four assed animals. Cloning wars. The first real Shelly appearance. This was the first time when you felt anything in the show could happen.

5. Kenny Dies (Season 5) No, it’s not a misprint. Kenny actually dies for good in this one. Not only did the creators decide to stop doing a gimmick that wasn’t amusing anymore (unlike Home Improvement’s Wilson and his never clear face). But in very unorthodox fashion, they make the whole show gut wrenching. Sure, it’s funny in parts, but it is amazing how emotional it gets, and how well they are able to carry a through line of drama. Maybe it cops out a bit in the end, all in all this is able to cement Stone and Parker as storytellers.

4. Woodland Critter Christmas (Season 8) – South Park has had some great Christmas episodes, unlike the Simpsons. From Mr. Hankey, to the Cartman family, to the adventures of Santa and Jesus (either singing songs or fighting in Iraq) the show is always able to rise to the season. This one, however, caught me completely off guard in exceeding my expectations. I knew it was going to be both funny and over the top. What I, or anyone for that matter, suspected is that the show was going to have a bunch of lovable critters with their annual ceremony about the immaculate conception to be one of hellish nature. Nor did I even fathom the critters having a blood orgy. And in no way would I have ever believed I would see Mountain Lion Cubs learning how to perform an abortion. Not only was this an entry into the cannon of Holiday episodes, but it was one of the best comedy half hours ever. In short, never ever underestimate South Park.

3. Good Times with weapons (Season 8) A dynamite episode through and through. Think of this episode as Sgt. Pepper. It was a show that stayed true to it’s roots but also expanded the boundaries of which the show was set it. Combining Anime and the traditional cardboard animation for an episode that is not only drop on the floor hysterical, but also genuinely exciting to watch, as the boys transform into masterful fighting ninjas with amazing powers.

2. Cancelled (Season 7) Perhaps the only good condemnation of reality TV that isn’t preachy. So maybe Earth isn’t special at all, but it’s actually a reality TV show made from other planets. It’s not great because it’s a great statement on our slowly degrading TV culture, implying that we as viewers are being played by much more powerful sources than we could fathom. It’s not great because a Jewish alien race is the one behind it. And it’s not because there is alien gay sex. It’s because there is a Taco that poops ice-cream. And you don’t question it.

1. Goo Backs (Season 8) As far as I know, South Park is the only show to even remotely tackle the issue of illegal immigrants, maybe even the only major media source to do so. What is even more amazing is that the show does it in compelling fashion, having both sides of the argument in play in the show (naturally they dismiss both), and one that tries to offer a solution of making everything better instead of making it worse. That alone could not only enter the Show into the canon of great TV. What makes this episode the best South Park of all time, and one of the best half hours of comedy history are two things. 1. The rednecks (read Americans) solution to preventing the goo backs from coming back to the past is to: have gay sex and eliminate the future.

2. The simple 4 words that any two fans of the show can say for hours. THEY TOOK OUR JOBS.