The company I keep
My outlook in life and my views have been determined, like everyone else through the lessons that have forced their way down my throat, and in most cases, by kicking my ass in the process.
You can’t drink that much booze without consequences.
You can’t win money in casinos. You can get ahead, but you can’t leave a winner. It’s just not in your mentality, Dave.
The only time a woman you aren’t sleeping with will tell you they like your long hair is in the days after you have cut it.
I could keep going…
You know what, I will.
Chastising a woman’s taste in music will NOT get you laid.
Chastising her best friend likely will. (I’m 4 for 4 on this one, and yet I still yell at girls who don’t like Springsteen, rather than post my abysmal record, I’ll just say I’m the Washington Generals with this tactic)
Whoever said you shouldn’t fuck you coworkers is an idiot. Productivity would skyrocket if people were forced to actually work in lieu of shame. (Drunken Hookup) Your work will also improve if you are trying to distract all attention to your work and away from the fresh “love stains” in the copy room.
Don’t drink the night before a promising job interview.
Look for a partner who shares your same interests. They will likely be less attractive and your sexual drive will diminish in the later years, but you will be happier. The thing is, doing this is going to be damn near impossible, and you will always look for the more attractive person regardless of whether or not they like The Simpson’s. Go for soul mate, not for the great lay. But this is a lost cause, it’s not going to happen. (This is probably why me and Lady Portland Rose Royce are very deep down secretly gay for each other, but will never act upon it)
Don’t write anything to someone of the opposite sex in your high school quotes (other than family). Just don’t. It never leads to anything. Just. Don’t. Do. It.
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and a good thing never dies. (Thanks for the quote Andy)
Perhaps the most damaging thing that could have happened to me was being born in Indiana. It’s a great thing, and I love it all the same, but I am not going to lie, being born and raised there did inoperable damage to my world outlook. Now being born in NY would make me an asshole, being born in Florida would make me a sex crazed weirdo, and being born in LA, I would likely have died of a drug overdose.
But being born in any one of those places would have at least given me an experience I didn’t have as a kid, a hometown team that won a championship. I have had two teams I deeply care about win championships in the last three years, (USC and the Red Sox) yet it’s not the same, partly because I haven’t loved those teams my whole life (I rooted for Northwestern in the 1996 Rose Bowl, for chrissakes), and partly because I won’t get to celebrate with my friends and family.
Being from Indiana, and much of the Midwest for that matter (namely Cleveland), is as much of a blessing for the life it gives you as it is a curse that renders impossible a life of full accomplishment. People and teams just can’t wind up on top from this state. I’ll list some:
Indiana Basketball 1992-93. #1 almost wire to wire, only to lose their star player (Alan Henderson) to an injury suffered in practice (not a game, not a tragic drunk motorcycle accident or something remotely cool). They lose in the tourney and don’t make the final four.
James Dean. Born in Indiana. Moved to LA, became the biggest movie star in the world and died before turning 25.
Indianapolis Colts 1995-1996: A complete underdog of a team that on paper had no shot at winning 6 games that was lead by a family man to the AFC championship only to be screwed by the refs, and yet the game still ended on a Hail Mary pass that was as close as a catch as humanly possible.
Steve McQueen: Born in Indiana. Moved to LA, and became the biggest movie star in the world only to die from a rare form of lung cancer (mesothelioma! The cancer from asbestos!) at 50. I mean, if Charlton Heston was from Indy, he’d have been shot by a young Dick Cheney at age 19.
Indiana Pacers: 1995, 1996, 1998, 1999. In each year, they were screwed by refs changing the game for big market teams.
Michael Jackson. Born in Indiana. Went to LA, became the biggest music star in the world only to go completely insane.
Chicago Cubs (the surrogate baseball team for the state of Indiana): Haven’t won a championship in 98 years (yet in 10 years, the Marlins have won two). And their crosstown team (the same ones who cheated in the World Series) won last year. And in all likelihood, I will die before they win. The last time they had a shot at winning, a fan caused them to lose. A fucking FAN! I was on joking suicide watch after that series, the next day when the Sox lost in the 11th to Aaron *Bleeepin* Boone, I was on real suicide watch. Me and my friend Peluso outlawed talking about the 2003 playoffs at work. We got so angry and so sad, the entire location went down with us.
Sidney Pollack: Born in Indiana and moved to LA and became one of the bigger directors of his time, only to win an Oscar for the worst film to win best picture (before Crash and after the Greatest Show on Earth) in a 35 year span, while his best film (Tootise) was ripped off by Robin Williams, and subsequently Tobias Funké, in Mrs. Doubtfire.
Indianapolis Colts (2005): the first team in 7 years to go 10-0. Came closer to going 16-0 than any team since the 1985 Bears. They get home field advantage, only to have the QB crap the bed for the first 51 minutes of the game. Just when all hope is lost, the game turns when the Pittsburg running back fumbles on the 1 yard line, to be picked up by a Colt (who was stabbed by his wife days before) and with a shot of running it back all the way is tackled by the other teams QUARTERBACK. They then set up a shot for a game tying field goal, only to have the most accurate kicker in history shank the kick by 20 yards to the right. Then to pour more salt in the wound, 3 weeks later the Steelers play their worst game of the year and yet still win the Super Bowl.
Maybe it’s me. If it is, I’ll take the blame for the premature ends/decline of the following things I love:
USC (2005)
Radiohead
Frank Sinatra
Tito Puente
Stanley Kubrick
Arrested Development
Newsradio
Before I get on with the remainder of this,
KHANNNNNNNNNNN>
In a single lifetime, I haven’t seen a trailer for a film so terrible.
Yet in spite of a championship, some of my most cherished memories come from Indiana teams.
I’ll give you a short rundown by team:
Colts: The Monday Night Comeback against the Tampa Bay Bucs (2003). The 1995 season up to the final game.
Pacers: Beating the Bulls in Jordan’s first game back from his retirement. Being the only team to beat the Bulls twice in their 72-10 season. Quick side note, look at the teams they lost to that year: boing I mean they lost to the Nuggets (37-45) Hornets (41-41), Bullets (39-43) and Toronto (21-61!!!!) At least the Pacers won 52. But the Raptors! They could have single digit losses if not for that turd of a game.
I’m sorry. Miller’s 25 point 4th quarter. Miller’s 8 points in 8.9 seconds (I still remember sitting in my friend Jimbo’s kitchen – not his huge living room with a 80 inch screen and sound system---because we couldn’t pull ourselves away even during timeouts) Game four of the 1998 East Championship. Game 5 of the 2001 series against the Nets, even though we lost, Miller took it to two overtimes single handedly.
And my favorite: the Memorial Day Miracle. From Pacers.com
Then came a Game 4, which ranks among the greatest finishes in NBA playoff history. The Pacers led 89-88 before Brian Shaw hit a 3-pointer with 13.3 seconds left. Miller responded with a 3-pointer to put Indiana ahead 92-90, but Hardaway tossed in an off-balance 3-pointer with Haywoode Workman’s hand in his face to give Orlando a 93-92 lead with 1.3 seconds remaining. After a timeout to set up one final play, Miller couldn’t get open, but inbounds passer Derrick McKey found Smits at the free throw line. The 7-4 center put a ball-fake on Orlando’s Tree Rollins and swished the game-winning jumper at the buzzer. The play, dubbed “the Memorial Day Miracle,” marked the fourth lead change in the final 13.3 seconds.
Cubs: Really there aren’t any big victories. Almost none. Even if there were, it doesn’t matter. Just watching the Cubs is a gift in itself. Wrigley Field is my Graceland, Mecca, and Penn Station (the sandwich place) rolled into one.
The only team that has won a championship in the 25 years I have been alive was the 1987 Indiana University Basketball team. It was one of the best games of all time, won 74-73 (and if you think I had to look that score up, you’re kidding yourself) on a last second jumper by Keith Smart. Sadly I was only 6 at the time and didn’t quite to get appreciate it. How young was I? I cried because they showed the other team after, and I was sad for them.
The best games I have ever seen are as follows:
10. The Miracle on Ice. It would be #1 with out a doubt, if I were alive at the time.
9. 1987 NCAA Tourney: Indiana 74, Syracuse 73.
8. Memorial Day Miracle (see above)
7. 2003 Fiesta Bowl Ohio State beats Miami in 2nd OT 31-24
6. Super Bowl XXXVI, Pats 21 Rams 18
5. Games 4, 5, 6, and 7 of the 2004 ALCS: Boston Comes Back from 0-3 to beat the Yankees and then move on to win. more here
4. See Below
3. Game 7 World Series. Diamondbacks 4, Yankees 3.
2. Duke 104, Kentucky 103
1. USC 34, Notre Dame 31 best day ever
#4 was the Duke vs. Indiana 1/8 match up in the second round of the 2002 NCAA tourney. Indiana was just supposed to lay down and let Duke repeat as champions. We not be able to win it all, but we will never be overlooked, not ever.
Anyway, Duke was cruising along and had a 17 point lead. All signs pointed to them winning. And they would have, except that the game was played in Lexington, Kentucky. This meant that with the exception of people from North Carolina who traveled for Duke, the crowd was filled with IU folks who traveled a mere hundred miles. Well there was one more exception, the people of Kentucky who were neither Duke or IU fans, and likely UK Wildcat fans.
A 17 point lead. With ten minutes to go. When I watched this game, the only TV service I had was the apartment complexes cable service which had 12 stations, six of which were the networks. The game was on CBS 2, which meant that it was a weak feed, and the picture kept going in and out. The LA coverage was showing a couple of other games, but not showing the Duke IU game, and so I was running back and forth from the computer and waiting 30 seconds to see if the score was improving.
And then it happened. With 10:30 left in the game.
Duke 59, IU 47. Duke 61, IU 52. Duke 61, IU 58. Duke 63, IU 62.
My heart was in my feet. I couldn’t take it any more. Was this actually happening. Mercifully, CBS realized this as well and decided to change all coverage over to the IU Duke game.
And so I got to watch the final moments. IU comes back. Duke goes on a run and goes up 70 to 64. IU would score the rest until a last 5 seconds almost turned into another Duke miracle.
In the end, IU holds on and…ecstasy.
I finally got to watch the game in full about a year later when ESPN classic showed it again.
Watching the full thing unravel I understood why IU won. They were not a better team. They were severely overmatched. Sure they had a will to win, but that wasn’t it.
It was the crowd.
IU was down by a dozen with under 11 minutes to go. They would have to make up more than a point a minute. As soon as the Hoosiers started to come back, the crowd begins to build into a roar. First it was the Hoosier faithful, shouting as loud as they can to will the team. But this wouldn’t have done it. This was a neutral site. The Indiana fans weren’t enough, and the crowd filled with Kentuckians still smarting from a 10 year pain turned, and switched sides, and did so loudly.
If you ever get a chance to, watch the game’s second half. Actually, the more enjoyable thing is just to listen to the game. You can hear the crowd’s swell grow with every passing minute. By the time IU goes up for the first time with 1:01 left, you can feel the shouting, even on a low volume. It wasn’t the teams that decided the game; it was the will of the crowd that slid fate in IU’s favor.
It was a classic David vs. Goliath game, and the whole place knew it. They were all wrapped up in one moment and wanted the little guy to win. And the crowd made it happened.
So why am I writing this today? Because 11 seed George Mason upset #1 seed and defending champ UConn and it’s pretty clear they are wearing glass slippers at this point.
All signs point to them losing to Florida, as the Gators have them outmatched in most departments. But the Patriots of George Mason have something that Florida doesn’t.
The game is played in Indianapolis. If you don’t think the collective will of a bunch of basketball loving Midwesterners are not going to give everything they have to help a little school topple a giant, go watch the Duke IU game. It’s going to be tough for team against George Mason, they won’t be facing 5 men, they’ll be facing 20,000 and 5.
The final score of the IU Duke game? 74-73, same as the score of the 1987 National Championship. You can’t make this stuff up. Indiana is built on basketball. It's in the water. But in this spring is something else eternal. Hope. We're full of it and waiting for chances to believe. George Mason, welcome to Indiana.
You can’t drink that much booze without consequences.
You can’t win money in casinos. You can get ahead, but you can’t leave a winner. It’s just not in your mentality, Dave.
The only time a woman you aren’t sleeping with will tell you they like your long hair is in the days after you have cut it.
I could keep going…
You know what, I will.
Chastising a woman’s taste in music will NOT get you laid.
Chastising her best friend likely will. (I’m 4 for 4 on this one, and yet I still yell at girls who don’t like Springsteen, rather than post my abysmal record, I’ll just say I’m the Washington Generals with this tactic)
Whoever said you shouldn’t fuck you coworkers is an idiot. Productivity would skyrocket if people were forced to actually work in lieu of shame. (Drunken Hookup) Your work will also improve if you are trying to distract all attention to your work and away from the fresh “love stains” in the copy room.
Don’t drink the night before a promising job interview.
Look for a partner who shares your same interests. They will likely be less attractive and your sexual drive will diminish in the later years, but you will be happier. The thing is, doing this is going to be damn near impossible, and you will always look for the more attractive person regardless of whether or not they like The Simpson’s. Go for soul mate, not for the great lay. But this is a lost cause, it’s not going to happen. (This is probably why me and Lady Portland Rose Royce are very deep down secretly gay for each other, but will never act upon it)
Don’t write anything to someone of the opposite sex in your high school quotes (other than family). Just don’t. It never leads to anything. Just. Don’t. Do. It.
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and a good thing never dies. (Thanks for the quote Andy)
Perhaps the most damaging thing that could have happened to me was being born in Indiana. It’s a great thing, and I love it all the same, but I am not going to lie, being born and raised there did inoperable damage to my world outlook. Now being born in NY would make me an asshole, being born in Florida would make me a sex crazed weirdo, and being born in LA, I would likely have died of a drug overdose.
But being born in any one of those places would have at least given me an experience I didn’t have as a kid, a hometown team that won a championship. I have had two teams I deeply care about win championships in the last three years, (USC and the Red Sox) yet it’s not the same, partly because I haven’t loved those teams my whole life (I rooted for Northwestern in the 1996 Rose Bowl, for chrissakes), and partly because I won’t get to celebrate with my friends and family.
Being from Indiana, and much of the Midwest for that matter (namely Cleveland), is as much of a blessing for the life it gives you as it is a curse that renders impossible a life of full accomplishment. People and teams just can’t wind up on top from this state. I’ll list some:
Indiana Basketball 1992-93. #1 almost wire to wire, only to lose their star player (Alan Henderson) to an injury suffered in practice (not a game, not a tragic drunk motorcycle accident or something remotely cool). They lose in the tourney and don’t make the final four.
James Dean. Born in Indiana. Moved to LA, became the biggest movie star in the world and died before turning 25.
Indianapolis Colts 1995-1996: A complete underdog of a team that on paper had no shot at winning 6 games that was lead by a family man to the AFC championship only to be screwed by the refs, and yet the game still ended on a Hail Mary pass that was as close as a catch as humanly possible.
Steve McQueen: Born in Indiana. Moved to LA, and became the biggest movie star in the world only to die from a rare form of lung cancer (mesothelioma! The cancer from asbestos!) at 50. I mean, if Charlton Heston was from Indy, he’d have been shot by a young Dick Cheney at age 19.
Indiana Pacers: 1995, 1996, 1998, 1999. In each year, they were screwed by refs changing the game for big market teams.
Michael Jackson. Born in Indiana. Went to LA, became the biggest music star in the world only to go completely insane.
Chicago Cubs (the surrogate baseball team for the state of Indiana): Haven’t won a championship in 98 years (yet in 10 years, the Marlins have won two). And their crosstown team (the same ones who cheated in the World Series) won last year. And in all likelihood, I will die before they win. The last time they had a shot at winning, a fan caused them to lose. A fucking FAN! I was on joking suicide watch after that series, the next day when the Sox lost in the 11th to Aaron *Bleeepin* Boone, I was on real suicide watch. Me and my friend Peluso outlawed talking about the 2003 playoffs at work. We got so angry and so sad, the entire location went down with us.
Sidney Pollack: Born in Indiana and moved to LA and became one of the bigger directors of his time, only to win an Oscar for the worst film to win best picture (before Crash and after the Greatest Show on Earth) in a 35 year span, while his best film (Tootise) was ripped off by Robin Williams, and subsequently Tobias Funké, in Mrs. Doubtfire.
Indianapolis Colts (2005): the first team in 7 years to go 10-0. Came closer to going 16-0 than any team since the 1985 Bears. They get home field advantage, only to have the QB crap the bed for the first 51 minutes of the game. Just when all hope is lost, the game turns when the Pittsburg running back fumbles on the 1 yard line, to be picked up by a Colt (who was stabbed by his wife days before) and with a shot of running it back all the way is tackled by the other teams QUARTERBACK. They then set up a shot for a game tying field goal, only to have the most accurate kicker in history shank the kick by 20 yards to the right. Then to pour more salt in the wound, 3 weeks later the Steelers play their worst game of the year and yet still win the Super Bowl.
Maybe it’s me. If it is, I’ll take the blame for the premature ends/decline of the following things I love:
USC (2005)
Radiohead
Frank Sinatra
Tito Puente
Stanley Kubrick
Arrested Development
Newsradio
Before I get on with the remainder of this,
KHANNNNNNNNNNN>
In a single lifetime, I haven’t seen a trailer for a film so terrible.
Yet in spite of a championship, some of my most cherished memories come from Indiana teams.
I’ll give you a short rundown by team:
Colts: The Monday Night Comeback against the Tampa Bay Bucs (2003). The 1995 season up to the final game.
Pacers: Beating the Bulls in Jordan’s first game back from his retirement. Being the only team to beat the Bulls twice in their 72-10 season. Quick side note, look at the teams they lost to that year: boing I mean they lost to the Nuggets (37-45) Hornets (41-41), Bullets (39-43) and Toronto (21-61!!!!) At least the Pacers won 52. But the Raptors! They could have single digit losses if not for that turd of a game.
I’m sorry. Miller’s 25 point 4th quarter. Miller’s 8 points in 8.9 seconds (I still remember sitting in my friend Jimbo’s kitchen – not his huge living room with a 80 inch screen and sound system---because we couldn’t pull ourselves away even during timeouts) Game four of the 1998 East Championship. Game 5 of the 2001 series against the Nets, even though we lost, Miller took it to two overtimes single handedly.
And my favorite: the Memorial Day Miracle. From Pacers.com
Then came a Game 4, which ranks among the greatest finishes in NBA playoff history. The Pacers led 89-88 before Brian Shaw hit a 3-pointer with 13.3 seconds left. Miller responded with a 3-pointer to put Indiana ahead 92-90, but Hardaway tossed in an off-balance 3-pointer with Haywoode Workman’s hand in his face to give Orlando a 93-92 lead with 1.3 seconds remaining. After a timeout to set up one final play, Miller couldn’t get open, but inbounds passer Derrick McKey found Smits at the free throw line. The 7-4 center put a ball-fake on Orlando’s Tree Rollins and swished the game-winning jumper at the buzzer. The play, dubbed “the Memorial Day Miracle,” marked the fourth lead change in the final 13.3 seconds.
Cubs: Really there aren’t any big victories. Almost none. Even if there were, it doesn’t matter. Just watching the Cubs is a gift in itself. Wrigley Field is my Graceland, Mecca, and Penn Station (the sandwich place) rolled into one.
The only team that has won a championship in the 25 years I have been alive was the 1987 Indiana University Basketball team. It was one of the best games of all time, won 74-73 (and if you think I had to look that score up, you’re kidding yourself) on a last second jumper by Keith Smart. Sadly I was only 6 at the time and didn’t quite to get appreciate it. How young was I? I cried because they showed the other team after, and I was sad for them.
The best games I have ever seen are as follows:
10. The Miracle on Ice. It would be #1 with out a doubt, if I were alive at the time.
9. 1987 NCAA Tourney: Indiana 74, Syracuse 73.
8. Memorial Day Miracle (see above)
7. 2003 Fiesta Bowl Ohio State beats Miami in 2nd OT 31-24
6. Super Bowl XXXVI, Pats 21 Rams 18
5. Games 4, 5, 6, and 7 of the 2004 ALCS: Boston Comes Back from 0-3 to beat the Yankees and then move on to win. more here
4. See Below
3. Game 7 World Series. Diamondbacks 4, Yankees 3.
2. Duke 104, Kentucky 103
1. USC 34, Notre Dame 31 best day ever
#4 was the Duke vs. Indiana 1/8 match up in the second round of the 2002 NCAA tourney. Indiana was just supposed to lay down and let Duke repeat as champions. We not be able to win it all, but we will never be overlooked, not ever.
Anyway, Duke was cruising along and had a 17 point lead. All signs pointed to them winning. And they would have, except that the game was played in Lexington, Kentucky. This meant that with the exception of people from North Carolina who traveled for Duke, the crowd was filled with IU folks who traveled a mere hundred miles. Well there was one more exception, the people of Kentucky who were neither Duke or IU fans, and likely UK Wildcat fans.
A 17 point lead. With ten minutes to go. When I watched this game, the only TV service I had was the apartment complexes cable service which had 12 stations, six of which were the networks. The game was on CBS 2, which meant that it was a weak feed, and the picture kept going in and out. The LA coverage was showing a couple of other games, but not showing the Duke IU game, and so I was running back and forth from the computer and waiting 30 seconds to see if the score was improving.
And then it happened. With 10:30 left in the game.
Duke 59, IU 47. Duke 61, IU 52. Duke 61, IU 58. Duke 63, IU 62.
My heart was in my feet. I couldn’t take it any more. Was this actually happening. Mercifully, CBS realized this as well and decided to change all coverage over to the IU Duke game.
And so I got to watch the final moments. IU comes back. Duke goes on a run and goes up 70 to 64. IU would score the rest until a last 5 seconds almost turned into another Duke miracle.
In the end, IU holds on and…ecstasy.
I finally got to watch the game in full about a year later when ESPN classic showed it again.
Watching the full thing unravel I understood why IU won. They were not a better team. They were severely overmatched. Sure they had a will to win, but that wasn’t it.
It was the crowd.
IU was down by a dozen with under 11 minutes to go. They would have to make up more than a point a minute. As soon as the Hoosiers started to come back, the crowd begins to build into a roar. First it was the Hoosier faithful, shouting as loud as they can to will the team. But this wouldn’t have done it. This was a neutral site. The Indiana fans weren’t enough, and the crowd filled with Kentuckians still smarting from a 10 year pain turned, and switched sides, and did so loudly.
If you ever get a chance to, watch the game’s second half. Actually, the more enjoyable thing is just to listen to the game. You can hear the crowd’s swell grow with every passing minute. By the time IU goes up for the first time with 1:01 left, you can feel the shouting, even on a low volume. It wasn’t the teams that decided the game; it was the will of the crowd that slid fate in IU’s favor.
It was a classic David vs. Goliath game, and the whole place knew it. They were all wrapped up in one moment and wanted the little guy to win. And the crowd made it happened.
So why am I writing this today? Because 11 seed George Mason upset #1 seed and defending champ UConn and it’s pretty clear they are wearing glass slippers at this point.
All signs point to them losing to Florida, as the Gators have them outmatched in most departments. But the Patriots of George Mason have something that Florida doesn’t.
The game is played in Indianapolis. If you don’t think the collective will of a bunch of basketball loving Midwesterners are not going to give everything they have to help a little school topple a giant, go watch the Duke IU game. It’s going to be tough for team against George Mason, they won’t be facing 5 men, they’ll be facing 20,000 and 5.
The final score of the IU Duke game? 74-73, same as the score of the 1987 National Championship. You can’t make this stuff up. Indiana is built on basketball. It's in the water. But in this spring is something else eternal. Hope. We're full of it and waiting for chances to believe. George Mason, welcome to Indiana.
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