INLY Dictonary.

Growing Up: A term which accompanies the sense that things in life used to be better, and that even someone five years younger is having a better time that you are right now.

The slighted return may come soon.

(continued...)

My favorite moment of TV ever.

Back in High School, just like every other teenager, me and my friends were obsessed with The Price is Right.

During our Senior year, those with 4^th and 5^th period free would leave campus to go to my friends cabin and watch the show (and get stoned, drunk, or just sit around, it was all the same).

Come Spring Break 99. We’re in Bermuda. It’s Spring, which means it’s actually not that temperate.

The pros are:

The booze in included in the price of our vacation.

We have girls with us, from high school.

One of my boys lost his v card in the hot tub.

Food, just like booze, is included.

There is no trade embargo, which means Cuban Cigars are available for purchase.

The Cons:

High Schoolers have access to free booze

We’re there with girls from High School, and only two of us hooked up.

This is a resort for Middle Age Crises peoples. Not Wild and Crazy Guys.

The security force was on us ever since we had “a sex on the beach round” of drinking games.

On the third morning, we were all terribly hung over. I was in the period of my life where I puked every other time I drank, and the night before was no different because I drank nothing but Irish Coffee’s to end the night. When we got back to the room, I was as drunk as a skunk and more awake than the girl in accounts receivable after 2 red bulls. I tried drinking NyQuil to get to sleep.

BAD IDEA.

So there we were. It was too cold to do anything but stay inside and watch TV.

And it was a magical day of TV. All the guys had adjoining rooms in the hotel. I got a call from Brad who was in the room next to mine. “GO TO TBS, there is this ridiculous movie about Skateboarding from the 80’s...”

Me: “Skitchin!!! We’re watching it now. The Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at a skate/dance party!”

That movie alone is worth 10,000 words.

When The Price is Right came on, we all got into one room.

What happened next I have tried to explain close to 50 times. It simply had to be seen to believed.

The two showcase finalists were a tiny Chinese woman no taller than 4’9’’, and a Firefighter I deemed “Intensor.”

The latter was something of a TPIR lame-o, he lost his pricing game without coming close, and only made the finals by sure might. When Intensor spun the wheel in the first showcase showdown, he walked over, and without bending his legs, spun the wheel round no less than 11 times.

The Chinese woman was something else though. When she got up on stage, she was still befuddled she won. She made a guess of like $800. The person after her guessed 1500, the person after them guesses 1501, and then the last guy in the group wagered a dollar.

She won, and she couldn’t really tell the difference.

When Bob Barker revealed her possible prize it was, I swear on my mother’s grave, “A TRIP TO CHINA!!!”

Immediately Brad yelled, “You’ll be staying at… Your house!!!”

We were on the floor laughing.

So flash forward to the Showdown.

Intensor gets the typical “girly” showcase, filled with dining room sets, a china collection, and a bed. He takes it.

We’re once again on the floor.

The Chinese woman is about to get her showcase, and she’s still a deer in the headlights.

The showcase opens.

Rod Roddy announces:

First off we have, three die cast miniature cars. (all of us in the room are at a loss for words).

Next we have: Three keychains from some chain store.

WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO NEED FOR:

THREE NEW GEO METROS!!!

She won. And her family walked over to her haul. Three new cars which fit three people and a trip to China. Really, any words would be a mess of incomprehension.

(continued...)

David Loves Empire. You know

Old is new again.

A bunch of lists.

Top Five Songs by the Clash. At the moment.

1. Clampdown.

2. Complete Control

3. Janie Jones

4. I’m So Bored with the USA

5. Police On my back.

One note here… It’s something tremendously clichéd to fathom, but it’s possible that “Train in Vain” may be the greatest song the Clash ever wrote. It’s not the best Clash track, and their original rendition is rather plain, the vocal incantations are short and brisk, they aren’t framed by the power of the note sung, but by the context of the delivery. There is a Joe Cocker to the Beatles “With a little help from my friends” on this one potential.

This is the ultimate, angry post breakup pop song for men. In 40 years we have been given hundreds by women, another top 5.

1. I will survive - Gloria Gaynor, Really, is anything close? Like in the same book. When comparing the next to this is like comparing The killers to Springsteen. It’s a laughable distance.

2. Smile – Lily Allen. Between the “wine and a moan” line and the na-na’s at the end, this really is a great song.

3. Stronger – Britney S. Sure she is like Hurley on Lost, she needs a win now. Why not. That and the video was awesome.

4. Though not a single one of them are worthwhile, every song Beyonce and Destiny’s Child have ever done.

5. Car Wash – Rose Royce. If you want to see this is not a joke, rent Les Cousisns by Chabrol and apply it women. Then realize it’s as good of a joke possible.

Anyway. Train in Vain tops ‘em all. It’s the “you lied to me” song. But this one doesn’t throw accusations, it doesn’t make anyone better. In fact the forlorn side is desperately missing the other and telling them to piss off but they want them back. It’s a plea of desperation and pain, it’s a fuck you for making me feel so bad, yet there is no sense of belittlement, nothing derogatory, just a scream at the heavens about fate.

++++

For some nerd in me.

Top five Battlestar moments.

5. The Pegasus hitting the Cylon Basestar/ Galactica into the New Caprica Atmosphere. Sometimes, when the setting is cool enough, it’s nice to have SFX blow your mind. In 10 years this will be commonplace and the magic of illusion will fade forever.

4. Starbuck brings the raider home.

3. Starbuck brings Lee home.

2. Baltar’s speech condemning Zarek. It’s one thing to create a villain from day one, it’s something entirely different to engender hatred against a likable character. Baltar is a heel of a man, a geek whipped by his dick, a genius at self survival. This speech is so pure and genuine when it comes to politics that when watching it again, the coming change seems all the more painful. This is the character at his best; this only makes the worst in him the more devastating.

1. The “So say we all” speech.

If I have learned one thing in the last few years, it’s that I only now appreciate Star Wars and Empire as they should be. Star Wars (New Hope) is such a wonderful rags to riches story; it’s easy to overlook the clichés.

But then comes Empire. I really don’t know, and I am saying this as a film student, if there is a film that has ever been better made for a mass audience. Sure there are films that can strike the heart of some… but Empire is one of the few films where even after the immediate story joy is gone, I enjoy watching the film for its rhythms… if you can understand that, we’ll talk.

I am saying this. I may see more important, more meaningful, and more intelligent films that Empire, but I doubt any of them will be as watchable or expertly crafted.

Yet, if Battlestar can stick the landing, if it can deliver a great product all the way through, then we can talk about which is better on the whole.

Of course this is a lie. If anything tops Empire in my lifetime, I will be grateful beyond life and shocked.

Hell, I’ll list. (From 1981 on)

5. Band of Brothers / Saving Private Ryan

4. Grand Theft Auto 3, Vice City, and San Andreas

3. E.T.

2. Ok Computer

1. Empire Strikes Back

And on that note:

Five things I think are the penultimate, i.e. the best of the best ever instance of usage of one element or another in this film in regard to the history of film.

5. Han Solo’s Barking (at C3po, at Leia, at Chewie): From “Never tell me the odds!” to “We don’t have time to discuss this with the committee” and finally: “You’ll die if you go out there!” “Then I’ll see you in hell!”

No anti hero will ever approach this level in any film. He’s not just a swashbuckler, he’s the ultimate male badass. He is the ultimate guy to have in your corner.

4. The Score. Sure Williams is ripping off Holst for 120 minutes. But this one is a winner from note one. And it’s one of five scores that immediately recall the movie.

A. Star Wars Saga

B. E.T.

C. The Godfather

D. Lawrence of Arabia

E. The Bridge on the River Kwai

3. The last 40 minutes. The odds are suddenly stacked so high against the good guys, and the only reasonable end without dues ex machina is failure. And it’s almost failure. Almost. Of the many reasons I keep watching this film is because how this ends. The only other film that does this for me is Dr. Strangelove. In both films, it’s so close to having a happy ending, but at every juncture, something bad happens.

With Dr. Strangelove, it’s all summed up with George C. Scott’s great Col. Buck Turgeson. In the moment when he is talking about the bombers and their capability to fly under the radar, he starts making airplane arms and then suddenly realizes that, his flyboys are going to drop the bomb. His macho giddiness is ruined by the nature of his business, which is to kill. He stammers and then quickly realizes he and the rest of humanity is fucked.

The gears in Strangelove are fixed on one thing, the end of humanity:

And this, I included the first one because of Sellers.

It’s a set point and Kubrick doesn’t flinch from it. The movie ends with humans ending the world. The only thing in the way of this is human goodwill. Which fails.

In Empire, the end point is the bad guys winning. The only thing in the way is Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Leia, Lando, and the droids. In the end, it’s bad overcoming good. And it happens in some of the closest, almost there moments ever recorded. There are so many instances when all they need is a simple break to get ahead… only to have the escape ceiling raised higher (see #1).

2. Yoda. I have four Yoda figurines surrounding me as I type. I am a snob, which means I am an educated dork. Even if I wasn’t educated, I’d still have them. This is the ultimate teacher figure in film. Another list:

5. “For my ally is the force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow, its energy surrounds us, and binds us, luminous beings are we, not this crude mater. You must feel the force around you, here between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes, even between the land, and the ship.”

Not so much a lesson, as it a beckoning to a higher path. And what a beckoning.

4. “You must unlearn what you have learned.” Short of the army and NFL notion of stripping a person down to their bare elements and then building again, this is about right. You go on the new instinct, not on the old.

3. “This one, a long time I have watched. All his life has he looked away, to the future, to the horizon, never his mind on where he was, what he was doing! Adventure, heh, excitement, heh. A Jedi craves not these things, you are reckless!

2. “Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.” It doesn’t matter whether you are right or wrong, you are.

1. Luke: I… I don’t believe it.

Yoda: That, is why you fail.

That is the best teaching any character has ever given. Dead Poets be damned.

And for #1.

We have a TIE.

The best moment in Empire is clearly:

It may be the best moment in film. Not the film, but film history overall. When have 5 words ever meant so much in film? The three year wait may have both sustained this moment before the adequate ending of Jedi, but really, what moment in film could ever get the viewer heartbeat higher. Everything we were lead to believe was compromised with 5 words!

That’s never, ever going to be topped.

And yet there is one other moment in the film I must include. And it ties into #5.

If not for Han Solo, this series would have been a Sci-fi legend, and not a cultural phenomenon. Han Solo is Michael Jordan to the 96 Bulls, not Luke Skywalker. He is the one who did things no one else could in a great collection of talent.

When Han is going into the Carbon Freeze he has one last word with Leia.

“I love you!”

“I know.”

In the 100 years that proceeded it and the 100 that will follow, this will never be topped.

There may be another Luke Skywalker that we tie our dreams to, but there will never be another Han Solo.

(continued...)

The collection of words on the OC

When I was dating this girl in 2003, I was just out of college and using every friend I had to try to get a job. My link from her lead me to Fox Studios on Pico. This was about July of that year. The whole place was abuzz about “The OC.” They were saying it was going to be huge, it was supposed to be next great show. I mean a show about teenagers in Orange County? You have to be kidding me.

Almost four years later, I feel like I lost a friend, and more so, a text that represented where I was for a period of my life.

When season 2 came on, it was in late 2004. It had switched from Wed to Thursday night, and seeing that I worked that night, I was in a bind (this was in the early days of TIVO and torrent TV sites). I talked to my boss and arranged so that I could take the 8-9 hour off to watch the OC. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

By the time it ended, even with all of the false hurdles, even with the needless Luke interjection, suddenly, it was back, and for the first time, I guess I felt I knew LA was my home.

Living alone in LA was scary once I left college. I had no base, I had only marginal ideas of where to go, and all I had was a car, a house, and a phone.

What I was lacking was a family, a girlfriend, and a home.

Thankfully, within a month of me getting me own place, my favorite uncle wound up moving from the OC to Brentwood.

For a year or two, I lived with a broken heart, always thinking salvation was in the arms of someone else.

If becoming a man is anything, it’s that self importance is valued only on the self, and not the others. That and the whole concept is overrated.

The things that matter in life are friends, family, and a sense of home.

I’ll live in LA for years to come. At least I think I will. The reason I still love the OC, even underneath the shit of it all, was that I was finding myself, and the greatest comfort and joy I could pin myself to was a TV show about teenagers.

What is it they say about text’s finding you?

(continued...)

Dave’s short words on celeb culture.

Anna Nicole’s death is the American newsmedia equivalent of a winning the lottery, which as the obvious metaphor would be, the same kind of life Anna Nicole had.

From hillbilly, to stripper, to national icon, to a Naked Gun star sex pot, to pill popper, to rehab, to sex pot, to shill, to lucky mother, to corpse.

Save the life of her baby child, I wish this had happened about 5 years ago.

Let’s just do Fitz here.

“There are no second acts in American Life.”

He was right, but he was wrong about one thing. For a largely Christian nation, we are a culture that loves the idea of resurrection and redemption.

Anna Nicole didn’t deserve a resurrection, and the fact her life was turned around because of a TV show which lead her to be comfortable is a bitter bowl of pudding, not because she was given the shot, but because it came at her expense “it’s not supposed to be funny, it just is” was the tagline. She deserved, as a human, a chance to live her life in relative peace, free of her 15 minute baggage.

Maybe blondes have more fun. Maybe that’s (along with two other reasons) we were attracted to her enough to care about her more than a normal supermodel. Maybe it was her naïve stupidity (or yokel charm) that made her endearing enough to actually follow her…by which I mean we would be sympathetic to her plight in the basic struggles on a new level.

The problem I have is this… she doesn’t deserve this send off. She deserves a quiet send off. An emotional note of sorrow, and a wish for her family’s best.

Steaze said this when the 10 p news came on. “She lived more in 39 years than most live in 5 lifetimes.”

Yeah. I agree.

++++

To sour this mood, I think of one of the lost classics of the 1990’s. 1998 had 5 great films.

Saving Private Ryan #1 of the decade
Rushmore #3 of the decade
Out of Sight
The Truman Show

And a Simple Plan.

No one remembers a Simple Plan. A genuine masterpiece from Sam Raimi, it’s a harrowing tale of suspicious fortune that ends in the worst way. Normal, poor people get a shot a great life, and then see the dream fade away due to greed and lack of trust.

The movie follows Bill Paxton (Hank) through this as the narrative. He is in, if I remember, 100% of the film’s actions.

His brother Jacob, played by Billy Bob Thornton, has a speech that goes something like this:

“I ain’t really ever been in love, or even really been with a girl. I remember one time a few years ago I started getting affection from this real pretty girl, and for a couple of weeks, we went along, her interested in me, going on dates. I remember one time we went for a walk, in the park, and she held my hand. I know it’s not much, but it was special, because, that’s about the best I ever had. Later on, I learned she was only doing it because of a bet with her friends, that I was a game. I don’t know, it still was nice. I think about that, even if it wasn’t real. It’d be nice to have that for real, once in my life. But I know that’s not really how it’s supposed to be.”

In one of those “what’s wrong with America” opines, that about sums up how I feel. Why waste time a blond who was given it all.

In the end, it just makes it all feel worse in compared to them, they were charmed, we were not. When we feel a sense of superiority when they falter, or conversely a sense of empathy when those who never did anything to contribute to life but pick the right numbers, it makes us worse as a people.

Save your tears for the Johnny Carson’s, the George Harrison’s, and the Mel Blanc’s. They did something for all of us, they connected us through art, not through news. Those are the only entertainers worth shedding tears for. They united us, not just in entertainment, but in because they did their part as artists to make the world feel smaller, and a bit more welcome, because growing up in America, it's hard not to be touched by one, if not all three of the aforementioned. When they pass, a part of who we were goes with them. That's the funeral of a great artist, that the result of a great life's end.

The rest are just dots on the grand maps of life, distractions from the real journey. I’m ashamed, as an American, that Anna Nicole Smith was even a dot, and doubly ashamed that we’re reporting on her death. It was her and her families loss, not ours.

(continued...)

What I care about in the deepest of senses.

Then endgame for me is this.

I am 46. I am married, and I am sitting in my kitchen around 6pm. My kids have come home from school, and me and my wife of some years, are there, with a bottle of wine, the roast or any form of dinner for that matter, is in the oven. One of my friends and his wife and kids are over for the night, (let’s call it a Saturday, so they are staying the guest room) and we are getting ready for supper, us adults gathered round the island talking about nothing, or talking about everything, it doesn’t matter save the locale.

This is what I want. For the longest I have figured, this is what I want, and to do so I have always figured film or books to do this for me. I’d gladly suffer the arrows of outrageous misfortune to do so, and I don’t think I am alone in such a scene.

Along the way, I’d hope to help the aspects of life that I care about.

And while life suffers on the human form in some of the worst ways (US in Iraq, Darfur, the general shittiness of impoverished childhood in third world countries) it’s hard to fathom I would care about these.

While there is an argument that saving the whales is the ultimate act of commercial benevolence, it’s hard to decry the point once you have gotten to that level of financial freedom.

Earth is beyond special. Even if it’s one of a many thousand or just one of 10 in the galaxy that supports life to the point where we are now, it’s special because it’s our planet.

So if I were rich, I’d probably pay money to those hurt by natural acts like Katrina or the 2004 Tsunami, but that’s only trying to help other human beings. Yeah, it’s needed, but at the same time, it’s just giving money to people who are living here on Earth, and last I checked, we aren’t the only ones here. Come to that notion, we aren’t the only thing that makes Earth so special.

If I were a rich and generous soul, I’d leave the masses of people up to fate, only helping when they needed it (on this note, Darfur needs attention and military force, not just money), but to the vitality of Earth itself.

Mind you, before you think I am all Greenpeace and so on, I am still not sold on Global Warming. Until I have proof that can be definitively connected, I am not going to believe it’s not more that the planet adjusting with time. Earth has never been stable, even if we do curb greenhouse gases and global warming is true, it doesn’t mean that Earth is acting any different… this is a planet that is not stable enough for long term life, humans just were smart enough to adapt themselves.

Though I do care about preservation. Not about the lemur in Ghana that is near extinction due to fallibility to crop manifestation.

I care about whales.

Really, that’s all I care about.

Whales are the coolest thing outside of humans that evolution has ever made. Dolphins are up there, as are sharks, but to think of a great beast, Melville had it right. There is nothing more impressive than a giant creature that roams and dominates a world on our planet that we have no true conception of. While it’s one thing to look for life on other planets terrestrial, we still have a whole world of creatures oceanic, and seeing that they can live in the 70% of the Earth that we cannot, the great creatures deserve our care. For they are what we are not… they are what make Earth so special. If you don’t buy into this, I ask, how much would you pay to see a Killer Whale fight a T Rex.

I thought so.

So I go to blue whales.



Blue Whales are, in my opinion, the coolest thing in the world. While we have Lake Baikal, Bryce Canyon, African Elephants, AIDS (I’m not trying to be curt here, but there is an organism that is designed only to kill the top form of life. Yeah it sucks, but on a scientific level, it’s a unique device of the Earth’s self correction. It’s horrible for us, it’s probably good for the planet), and the Boundary Waters. We have so much in life that we can experience, but yet, the best things that the Earth has ever given us are dying, maybe in part due to our involvement.

The greatest creature on Earth by measure of size, it’s a relative pacifist, living on only the plantation of the sea.

And yet our lives on the sea to find food and life providing necessities may lead to the end of the Blue Whale.

200 tons (400,000 pounds, that’s close to half a million, mind you) and they still are the hunted.

This is the great creature of mystery and awe on Earth.

And that’s my attraction.

I just hope they survive me and my generation.



This is a gift we have been given while we exist. That’s why I care about blue (and all) whales.

(continued...)

Films of old for the new.

And here comes a list of the old classic films that every film student will implore you to see.

There is the scene in The Rules of Attraction where the POMO film student is reeling off his love about cinema, and speaking about “Man and A Movie Camera (MAMC).” Forget the disaffected artiste chic pretending to be in on the know; this is a moment that so encapsulates the outward persona of a film student, that even if it is a ultimately false moment due to the fact the guy is trying to score, it’s true to the spirit of a film kid.

Being a film student is a rush. The film business is at best a lottery; the making of film can be, at its best, an ultimate act of human expression and art. Combining the two of these with their best parts creates a lore that is able to include art, mythology, business savvy, guts, determination and everything good about humanity. It’s hard not to be moved when in the process because in the program, one comes to believe that film is the ultimate achievement of mankind… it’s the one media that can speak to us in two senses and in a set period of time. Being in film school allows a person to be subjected (en mass, I must note) to all of the great works of the history: you study, discuss, philosophize and illuminate the medium.

For anyone who truly cares about film “Man and Movie Camera” is an artistic wonder, it’s a work of a person capturing the real world with little tricks or emotional approachability, it’s just life on film, just a bit surreal, it’s not Dada esque in it’s minimalism, because there is sense to the approach meant for the mass and not in abstract. You don’t have to be a film student to enjoy MAMC, because if you get the artists purpose, you will understand what the film is about… though it helps if you do care about film… or you are high.

The loser film guy in Rules of Attraction (I call him a loser because he elicits porn references when making a amateur sex film) speaks about the film like a religious zealot, because it’s something that he has been taught to appreciate, and in the moment of seeing that film – likely for the first and last time in a recent day – wants to share what he sees as beauty. It took me years to figure out that this wasn’t how people look at film, and even if they do, it’s not what they want to hear at parties.

But that’s who and where you are as a film student. It’s all encompassing and empowering… you feel part of a special world and clique. I still do this when it comes to Springsteen, but if I have learned anything from life in film school is that it’s not about film, it’s about finding your voice. That’s what film school is supposed to help an artist do… containing the didactic impulses created in the process is the great trick for social viability.

I don’t know if it’s that my or any of my fellow film students opinion that may be tarnished to do a air of self-righteousness about the subject, but I know that when I recommend something to someone, I come with an almost preset verbal warning of: “I think I’m more informed that you on this, but I think you will like this.” I feel a similar way on most opinions, but at the same time, I know now that if someone brought up MAMC, I would dismiss it unless they were one of my three best friends or they watched it with me. I know this because of The Wire… it’s the best show I have ever seen, but it’s something that has to find you…

It’s a little bit of the boy who cried wolf, it’s also about akin to the lesser known fable of the room mate who claimed his farts smelled worse than any one else. Sure, they may be right 3 out of 10 times, but when it comes to the other 7, it’s just a matter of it you needed to experience it at all.

All that said. I think I have learned my lesson. I don’t recommend Rules of the Game unless the person wants to learn about cinema.

I’m not going to suggest seeing Children of Men when a 45 year old white woman is going to see “Stomp the Yard.” (I had to do this week, and it damn near killed me)

Ten films from before 1975 that are really worth seeing, not as a cinema, history, or elitist, these films are great films, regardless of date, color, or year of production.

10. Some like it Hot – For anyone who is a fan of Arrested Development… this is a film that matches the mad cap juggling of multiple scenarios, each the more zany and ridiculous, and has Marylyn Monroe in her best role as an actor. A lot of old timers call this the best comedy of all time. It’s kind of hard to say that straight faced when Top Secret, Airplane, Austin Powers, and Caddyshack have been made since, but it’s one of the most complete movies that is funny ever made.

9. Tom Jones – The book adaptation of a book that few people ever could actually read. In the whole of the 900 pages, there is a great, funny, and deep tale about class, sex, and growing up… but for all of the brilliance of the book, it’s still 900 pages, and who wants to read that much about a male slut and his humorous misadventures. In a two hour movie that winks to the nature of its adaptation, it’s a stuffy olde English piece that feels like a modern comedy… they know where the laughs are, and they treat the joy of the book as a well… joy. As far as literary adaptations go, few are as fun as this one.

8. Chinatown – It’s the only film post 1970 on this list, but now, 30 years on, it’s falling in the grounds of criminally underappreciated. If you think “The Departed” is a great film, don’t just watch “Mean Streets” or “Goodfellas” again. See this. Scorsese may be better than Polanski on the whole, but he never did anything better than Chinatown.

7. To Kill a Mockingbird – Just to see the model from which all boomers thought a father should be. Then go ahead and watch. It’s a capsule of America that showed what we were, and how we overcame it, with belief in the spirit of our fellow man. Then ask your parent why they supported the second Iraq war, if they believe in Atticus defending a soul trapped by racial stereotypes, why did they think any good would come from this. A great deal of fun with Nam vets, as well.

6. The Searchers --- Probably the most difficult film on this list to watch. It’s a little dated, the matte shots are borderline amateur compared even with youtube works by 14 year olds. The film takes it’s time getting to it in almost a painful fashion, and while John Wayne is at his iconic best, he forces his son upon us in one of the worst acting roles ever (he’s the fat trumpet boy). There are a lot of little things that make this movie what it is both good and bad. The Searchers is the film that inspired Spielberg, Scorsese, Coppola, and Lucas, and you can see the touchstones back to this film in their works (including Taxi Driver, which Paul Schraeder has called a direct adaptation). And then there is the last shot, one of the most ambiguous and difficult shots ever to end a film. What served as rouge filmmaking in the late 1950’s, filled with antiheroes, cultural murkiness, and right for the wrong reasons morality. If this summary is baffling, well, like I said, this film is difficult.

5. Seven Samurai. Convincing a group of friends to watch a 3 hour film made in a foreign language, from the 1950’s, and in black and white… it’s a hard sell. Especially since the first few reels have egregious overacting on the extras part. Getting past that, Seven Samurai is one of the best action movies ever made. Once you get beyond the language barrier and social differences, it’s about the time in the movie when the plot enters the second act, and then it’s just awesome. Like Die Hard with swords awesome.

4. North By Northwest – Pro: Cary Grant. James Mason. Two of the best voices (as in how they spoke) in history. It’s one of the greatest adventure films of all time, it’s paced wonderfully, it’s genuinely funny, and the atmosphere is top notch… aside from the lack of mobiles and model years, this doesn’t need much adjustment to feel modern.

3. His Girl Friday -- I showed this to Steaze tonight. Pitching it to him, I said is a 90 minute film with 3 hours of dialogue. It’s over the top, it’s hilarious, it’s true, it’s one of those films where the old timers say “they don’t make ‘em like this anymore,” and you know that while they could, a newer version wouldn’t be nearly as good.

It’s filled with double logic worthy of Shwartzwelder, with lines like

Walter Burns: What were you when you came here five years ago - a little college girl from a school of journalism. I took a doll-faced hick...
Hildy Johnson: Well, you wouldn't take me if I hadn't been doll-faced.
Walter Burns: Well, why should I? I thought it would be a novelty to have a face around here a man could look at without shuddering.

2. Brief Encounter – The best short term love story ever made. While the time and place dates it as a work, where and when it was made is meaningless to the potency. It’s about the right love at the wrong time.

1. It Happened One Night ---. It’s got everything that a romantic comedy should have, strong leads working with worn in yet likeable archetypes, a solid courting disguised as animosity, a setting where they have to remain together (this time it’s a road trip), the guy showing the girl the ropes, the girl occasionally doing him one better, ultimately settling into man and woman roles and falling for each other. Made in 1936, it’s never been topped, even if it’s been redone, remade, and ripped off countless times.

Everything happens at just the right moment… and it’s got Clark Gable. There is a reason his friends called him King.

That and it has this line:

Alexander: Oh, er, do you mind if I ask you a question, frankly? Do you love my daughter?
Peter: Any guy that'd fall in love with your daughter ought to have his head examined.
Alexander: Now that's an evasion!
Peter: She picked herself a perfect running mate -- King Westley -- the pill of the century! What she needs is a guy that'd take a sock at her once a day, whether it's coming to her or not. If you had half the brains you're supposed to have, you'd done it yourself, long ago.
Alexander: Do you love her?
Peter: A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her without going nutty! She's my idea of nothing!
Alexander: I asked you a simple question! Do you love her?
Peter: YES!! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!

Yeah, sometimes they can’t make em like they used to. The best line in the movie would be an outrage. Link here for a full take from Dave circa 2001 Enjoy.

(continued...)

Fucking Brutal

Jim Valvano… The man who defined the Cinderella Story of the 80’s (The Miracle on Ice was David vs. Goliath), the NC State Wolfpack.

Aside from one truly great quote for sports life: Don't give up, don't ever give up.

He gave one of the best about life.

“To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.”

In the ever changing definition of masculinity, it’s a hard role for most of us. In an era when we are now supposed to cry, it’s hard to because, the people who want us to start crying… are women. They cry about children down a well in Finland.

They want us to cry about Natalle Holloway, Terry Schiavo, and Baby Diego.

We don’t cry about that.

We cry about fathers, about brothers, about honor, about tradition, and once in a long while about women.

The sad thing is we are far more likely to cry about John Wayne or Walter Peyton than Rick and Ilsa.

Before I go on, I beg you to watch this.

It’s one of the most uplifting, endearing, and purely from the heart speeches. He makes you laugh, he makes you think, and he makes you cry.

I hate to evoke As Good as it Gets… but I’m left bare for cultural references… It’s something that makes me want to be a better man.

That’s not only rare, that’s worth savoring. I listen to the entirety of the speech about 10 times a year.

When he gets to the “Don’t give up…,” and mind you he dies from cancer later this year, it’s unbearable. To hear a man say he’s going to keep fighting a death sentence, and do so with all the power of his soul, I find it hard to fathom that people over 18 (including men) can’t be inspired to the point of tears by this.


++++

So the point of this being… crying and laughing at the same time.

I remember the first time I cried over a movie or music or whatever…

It was Spring Break of 1996. It was when seeing Braveheart.

I actually had seen 90% of the movie a month earlier when I watched it with Peter Kuzma. I fell asleep at the end of the movie. When it was over I asked how it ended. He told me how “Wallace is tortured, and when he is asked to repent, he yells “freedom” instead of surrender. The Scottish army then wins their independence.”

To be fair, that’s the long and short of the last 10% of Braveheart.

To see it though… it was everything I believed was good about the human spirit. That was what did it for me. I finally cried about something that wasn’t about life. Maybe it was really about life and the parts I cared about… but seeing the film in that situation.

All that in mind, I was not really shocked by the fact I cried at this.

The second time I ever did was piercing.

It was from the Simpsons.

The Episode was from the 7th season; Mother Simpson is still the episode I would call the best. It’s Burn’s best episode, Homer isn’t at his funniest, but he is at his most sympathetic. It’s got running gags, flashback jokes, the penultimate ABBA/Apocalypse Now spoof, and for the first time gives true depth to animated characters.



This is the episode that all syndicates show every Mother’s day.

I’d like to say that this was one of the few times something other than my own mom made me appreciate her. That in some way, Homer silently musing about the heartbreak from his mom was enough to give thanks for what I had and in that moment in the show, I’d like to think I never appreciated my mom more.

But the reason I cried was because of Homer, because I saw him go through all the pratfalls and problems with life, he finally had a reason to truly be melancholy.

I winced because of the latter, cried because of the former. In media, as in life, it’s not the actual moment that can raise the biggest lump; it’s the flashpoint of past memories that creates the reality of the vis-à-vis on screen. To love is to feel pain.

I guess I love my mother more than I did before because of Homer Simpson. What makes me happy now is that I know that’s the truth; in him I saw what it was to be a son who has a mother. I’m going to spend the rest of my life with a fictitious character and his family while living 2300 miles from my own... to save you from a long point, when my mother passes, the first thing I am going to turn to is my DVD which has “Mother Simpson.”

“Remember wherever you go, you have a mother and she truly loves you.”

That’s comfort, and I don’t care where it came from.

So… the top 10 TV comedy episodes which double as tearjerkers. (mostly 1985 on)

Off the list… All of Band of Brothers, I have written before this is one of the best things mankind has ever done. When I did a list of films where it’s ok to cry, this was at #1 (tied with Saving Private Ryan).

The Wire. It can be genuinely funny at times (Bunk burning his own clothes to hide his adultery, Macnulty crashing his car… twice into the same pole). This is in a different category.

#10. Friends – The one where Rachel finds out. – To me this is the great Friends episode. The show is always going to enter the “Gay/chick” genre when it comes to male viewing pattern. It’s not hip enough to be cool, it’s far too sentimental when it doesn’t need to be, and by the end of the 2001-2 season, it had run it’s course as a show and just started to suck. This episode is a collection of the series strengths, it’s ability to switch male and female roles in a situation (Joey and Phoebe’s dating analysis, where Joey teaches Phoebe to be a man… “This guy has made you believe that it’s ok to just have sex, and that you never have to call him again? This is my god!”, the best Ross/Rachel moment, and a dynamite conclusion which at the time was an in-season cliffhanger. It’s one of the funnier episodes of the run, and yet it has one of the most romantic and sweet coda’s in TV history. I never actually cried at this, nor did I ever come close, but there are a couple of notes hit in this that I know that if I am drunk or sad enough, I would cry at.

#9. The Simpsons - Lost Our Lisa – In college, I wrote a paper on the dynamic of Homer and Lisa. From my paper:

He spots Lisa from the sky and upon making eye contact yells: “Lisa stay there, I’ll come down and save you.” However, his ineptitude with the cherry picker’s controls causes the vehicle to go skidding down a steep hill and towards the Springfield harbor, prompting Homer to exclaim: “Lisa, save me.” Lisa is able to get Homer out of his peril, and they soon start to head out. The conversation that takes place begins as a sad confessional of Lisa, who feels overwhelmed by her failure to get to the museum; it ends up as one of the best dialogues between Homer and Lisa in the history of the show. The dialogue reveals both of the characters at their core interacting, and provides surprisingly moving advice from Homer to Lisa.
Lisa: I should have known I wasn’t old enough to take the bus on my own, but I really wanted to see that exhibit. I’ll never take another stupid risk like that again.
Homer stomps on the brakes, bringing the car to a screeching halt.
Homer: Don’t ever say that.
Lisa: What?
Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now your mother, she’s the steady type, and that’s fine in small doses. But me, I’m a risk taker. That’s why I have so many adventures.
This exchange shows Lisa struggling with her desire to escape the traditions of the Simpson family, who are not the intellectual, museum going people she is, and believing it is a failure on her part. When she speaks about her drained hope, “I’ll never take a stupid risk…again,” it seems like she is succumbing to the families’ traditions. However, it is Homer, the very type of person she hopes to avoid becoming, who gives her reason to believe in herself. The advice is also a great explanation for why Homer seems to be having new adventures every week: he believes that “stupid risks” are what he needs to take in order to feel alive.
Inspired by Homer’s non-traditional fatherly advice, Lisa decided to take a stupid risk and break into the museum to see the Treasures of the Isis. Homer and Lisa sneak into the museum, with Lisa jimmying opening the door because “the cops have Daddy’s prints on file.” Inside they wander through the exhibit, Lisa marveling at the Egyptian treasures, Homer simply glad to be there with his daughter. Lisa: “Have you even seen such exquisite ushaptes?” Homer: “umm, not this exquisite.” Lisa then catches a glimpse of the fabled Orb of Isis, a mysterious orb whose purpose and function has yet to be figured out in decades of study. Lisa is worried about the velvet rope that surrounds it, but Homer sees it as another task to master. However, he trips and causes the velvet rope to crash into the Orb’s podium, causing it to crack. However, instead of breaking, the orb opens and it is revealed to be a music box. Homer and Lisa are awestruck and humbled by the event. Realizing they are the first to hear the song in over 4,000 years, Lisa is immensely grateful. She hugs Homer, thanking him for making her take such a stupid risk. She ponders they may be the last humans to ever hear the song, and Homer attempts to comfort her by telling her, “Yeah but it will always live on because we’ll never forget it.” He then begins to whistle another tune however, prompting Lisa to realize, “Dad that’s the old spice song,” to which he responds, “Oh, well that’s a good one too.” He begins to hum the song and Lisa joins in, singing the song with a loving, and ultimately touching, enthusiasm.
The episode ends with Lisa learning to not be afraid of life, and Homer learning about his daughter and her interests as well.

Seriously, I wrote 7 papers on the Simpsons in college. Anyway, this is for the man who has children. Something around loving the differences and bonding with family because you have to, and ultimately making each other better in the process. It’s not the quick change cry, it’s more of a mellow, sometimes life is really worth living.

#8. Futurama – Leela’s Home world. If Futurama should be renowned for anything, it should be for it’s ability to create red herring plots that create emotional 180’s for the plot. This episode revolves around Leela learning of her true origins. Introduced as an orphan, she was always trying to discover why she was a Cyclops in a world of two eyed people. This episode reveals the truth, and once it does, it reveals a shocking level of depth and sacrifice by her parents. The great reveal of the episode and the montage that follows serve as one of the most rare tricks in cinema… purely loving without being forced or cheeseball; it shows Leela’s childhood with the almost imperceptible force of her parents, who are forced to be far away, but never stopped caring. Once again it’s a parental dynamic, but this is not the last of the Futurama episodes on this list.

#7. South Park - Kenny Dies – It craps out in the final resolution… if only because it has to. This is the only episode in the series that even tries to be emotional, and it does through by killing a character and the gimmick that he served.



Between this, Stan’s guilt, and Kyle’s heart, it’s a fucking brutal episode.

#6. Futurama – The Sting. An episode that could fit in the Twilight Zone, Fry is victim to a bee sting that kills him (or so it seems). Leela is ravaged by guilt by her part in his death and keeps seeing him in different places, shapes, and forms to the point she believes she is crazy. The resolution is heartwarming and triumphant… to the point of beauty.

#5. The Simpsons - Mother Simpson. It’s just him looking at the sky.

#4. Development Arrested – While it is easy to say that Arrested Development was cut short, it’s hard to argue that the show didn’t go out in the best possible way. The episode begins with “why is this man crying?” In the course of 22 minutes we get jokes, references, and layered storytelling that reminds the loyal viewers that while we may be losing something great… at least it’s ending in the right way.

#3. Newsradio. Bill Moves On- Much like Cheers, Newsradio had to deal with the real life death of one of its principal characters. While it’s been a while since I have seen the Coach death episode (I wasn’t old enough to see on Network) I know this episode. Enough cannot be said about Newsradio… this episode brought back actors who left the show, gave the character and the actor a wonderful, fourth wall breaking send off, and there are times when you as the viewer know the actors aren’t crying in character, it’s because they miss Phil Hartman. The final shot of an empty chair in a spotlight says it all.

#2. Scrubs. My Screw-up – 2004 was 5 years removed from The Sixth Sense. It’s just long enough for the viewer to forget the plot trappings of the movie to be duped into falling for the same trick. And it’s fucking brutal when it happens.

#1 – Futurama – The Luck of the Fryish. Upon learning that there is a famous Phillip J. Fry who was the first man on Mars, the Fry of the series is convinced that his brother Nancy stole his lucky 7 leafed clover and changed his name to Phillip, and then traveled the world and won the hearts of it.

What begins as a tale of sibling rivalry set 1000 years in the future ends as a loving testament to brotherly love.

If so inclined, get the DVD with commentary… at the reveal, you hear two guys making jokes about the little bits… only to be quietly interrupted by another guy saying “Hey, I’m trying to have a cry here.”

The epitaph that reveals it all is a pure and loving as possible. “Here lies Phillip J. Fry, named for his Uncle, to carry on his spirit.” In then ends with “Don’t you forget about me” by Simple Minds. And it’s not the least bit ironic.

I must note that all of these are not as wrenching as yet another Futurama episode titled Jurassic Bark.

It’s about losing love, it’s about the notion of the right time for people to be with one another, it’s about love at the wrong time, it’s about love in the unrequited sense.

So much so that I can’t even watch it anymore.



I mean this isn’t even fair. It’s just fucking brutal, even if it has Dolomite references. But to think, to love, and to cry in one day... that's a pretty good way to live.

(continued...)

Dave’s hates of 2006.

The long list of things that pissed me off in 2006.

Paula Denada. Rather than get into a “thing” again, I am just going to say this chick bothers me to no end with her music.

Her new single has a rapper for urban stations and not one on pop stations. It’s one thing to have a remix, it’s another to be the focus of dual minority marketing forces when she’s no older than 17.

In her second single, “Walk Away” she opens up the song by complimenting her ex boyfriend: for her new girlfriend, and does so in a way that sounds Sapphic.

++++

Puff Daddy

First I’m pissed he’s still around. He’s not on top exactly but it’s still been ten years. I would have wagered dollars to donuts that he’d die off faster than boy bands.

Second, he’s clearly dong payola with MTV for his new singles. No one I know has bought or listened to his album. I say this with this as my personal reference.

1. The people I hang out with have some of the more diverse tastes and lifestyles.

2. I work at a hotel where all sorts of people come in everyday. I hear what music they are listening to and ask where they are visiting from.

3. I spend long binges on myspace music boards about every 3 months. It’s a problem. Nobody even defends Diddy anymore.

I mean he was always bad, but at least he was ripping off good songs. Now the shit he’s making isn’t even ripped off from anything. Diddy, wanna know why you aren’t making hit albums anymore? You stopped ripping off top 10 hits of yesteryear. You don’t give up the bread and butter because Pro Active is helping you maintain your sexy.

And I hate him for coining that statement.

It’s not a question of if he is relevant anymore, it’s why young artists keep thinking he’s a hit maker when every other major producer is ten times more bankable than he is.

The thing about hating Diddy was that he made semi decent remixes of sometimes obscure 70’s era pop like “I’m coming out” and turned it into “mo’ money, mo’ problems.” I’m still not sure how much credit to give or take away from his involvement on Life After Death. But I know that his relevance is to Life After Death as Amnesiac is to Radiohead’s catalogue. Yeah, Life in Glass Houses is among their top 15 songs, but there are some awful tracks that beg why it wasn’t more focused; Puffy was the one who found between the sheets and I’m sure the opening montage is all his work and not C. Smalls, but every time he laughs or whispers bad boy I want to flip the song.

I mean he was a con artist who helped make two great albums, then got a taste for the limelight, stole from Sting, made the worst song in history in the process, and if “No Way Out” came out like it was supposed to before Bi got shot (Smalls was to play Puffy, and vice versa, and it was supposed to be tongue in cheek) Puffy would have been the George Martin of hip hop instead of Ringo.

All he’s done in the last 4 years is try to bring back Mase, run MTV’s Making the Band, and pimped proactive acne care. Sure he found Yung Joc, but I don’t think that’s a good thing. Not for me. For anyone. Now he’s rendered himself irrelevant as Cain, Black Rob, and the Lox. The music sucks. And he’s rich and still around.

I just wanted a blaze of glory ending, now we get his Sandinista.


Speaking of the making the band.

Danity Kane.

First off, really what kind of name is that? It’s like they scoured the Natal Wards at hospitals and found the most ridiculous baby name and put it in front of the last name of the character from one of the best films of all time. Combining black naming techniques with Orson Wells is equally mentally infuriating as it is pointless.

Second, the lead single of the group is nothing more than product name dropping.

Listen if you care.



What is the point of this song? It’s a bunch of girls singing that they are like rappers when it comes to bragging of wealth to buy luxury items. That and pointing out the seating arrangement of their car. It couldn’t be more insipid.

Never mind the logic as is. This is a bunch of hot girls oohing and aahing like Donna Summer in “Love to love you baby” as if they feel post coitus about rims and Maseratis.

The hooks of “OH OH” made me listen more than once, but I know when I am actively being given sex as a selling point. And just like in real life, I am not going to pay for the whore’s service, but I’ll listen to the pitch because it makes me feel funny downstairs.

++++

A quick short list:

A. Pitchfork picking “my love” by J-Tim as the #1 single. While I stopped paying attention to pitchfork months after staying on the bandwagon when everyone with any know how was trashing it (I still say that when it goes Hornby’s Songbook in record reviews, it’s everything I want to read in music criticism. Not the site, but the style) it’s still a handy toll for sorting through mass levels of new music without the distractions of blogger mp3’s sites, which can post Reggae from 1969 and rock from 2004 (I mean, I love it, but it’s impossible to filter out new stuff that may be of my liking).

But J-Tim as number one. Really!

REALLY?!

B. Bones by The Killers (more on them coming later). My bones on your bones. That doesn’t even make bad sense.

C. Wyclef in “Hips don’t lie” just one of the most pointless featuring specials ever.

D. Racism roundup:

1. In the wake of the Michael Richards scandal, Yung Dro makes a Japanese slur in “Rubberband Banks.” No one says anything.
2. In the wake of the Rosie blowback, her response to be angry at the implication was one thing. It’s another for her to out Clay Aiken in the name of gay rights.

I think if anything, Donald Trump should wage at her for being a passive aggressive. Just because the irony level would be through the roof.

It’s interesting when The View and Regis and Kelly have had two of the most awful fits of racism that doubled as hilarious. I’d like to see Kelly, Barbara, and Rosie talk about racial stereotypes. I think it would run the gamut of every bad preconception. I have written before women love to be racist when it comes in the guise of self defense.

3. I wish that someone prominent came to the defense of Mel Gibson or Michael Richards, with some level of apologetic condolence instead of outright venom.

For Mel, I think he lost all righteousness with the “Are you a Jew” comment. At the time, Israel had just finished bombing a country back into the 18th century and their vulnerability due to 1/3 of the impetus of the Iraq war logic. Not to say that it’s a blanket truth, but it’d be nice if Americans were given a decent explanation to why we side with Israel. If we are protecting the country from Terrorism, it’d be nice to hear why we support Israel in a logic sense instead of a compassionate protector argument. I’m not saying we need to change the policy, but it’d be nice for someone in the Gov. to defend - in plain English- why we stay with them when Osama and co. cite this as one of the main reasons they attack us. We were an isolationist country before WWII. That worked pretty well.

As for Kramer… I learned one thing. White people just can’t say that word. It’s curious because more has been done to create a bridge in the last 40 years politically, but in the end all of the overarching societal improvements fall meaningless when we allow ourselves to be pettily offended by archaic slurs.

I don’t know what to say about the issue other than I am disgusted by the state of America.

One. Richards wasn’t being derogatory. He was using the word to prove a point, and the point that was proven was not what he intended. He never reprimanded the man for being anything stereotypical, he was saying the word to be mean, not to be insulting. He was angry when he said it, but he wasn’t being classically racist. Not once did he demean the man, he just simply used a slur.

Two. Black leaders took this event as a forum for ending the N word. Yeah. I’ll be long in the ground before society forgets the words “nigger” and “nigga.” Not while Black, white, Latino, and everyone else are still around. Being black is a thing. It’s not a problem. People of Earth are going to have different skin tones. It’s the effect of the sun over years of evolution. I’m white (duh) and I don’t get offended by someone calling me a cracker or honkey or whatnot. It doesn’t mean anything because I know it’s a cheap shot and in the end, it’s character that matters.

Not to sound preachy or didactic, the difference between most white people comes when they want to flaunt their heritage, be it Italian, Jew, Irish, or whatnot. I have been taught- by a revisionist schooling method- that no race is better than the other.

Stop being a race. Stop being Black, Latino, Finnish, Russian, or Chinese. You came from somewhere, just like everyone else. Noting about you is special until you are special.

There is culture and there is color. While I grew up white, I never thought to care about why they are one sort of white and not another. I write this in 2007 because if you want to make the distinction.

I just wish someone would call them on it, by them I mean anyone. Say Lance Armstrong says something like “I find Floyd Landis’s demeanor niggardly following his tour win and controversy.” Then Jesse Jackson takes exception and Lance Armstrong says, “Look I faced cancer, the wrath of the foreign press, and won the hardest single athletic feat 7 times. I faced death and then won. And yet a single word hurts you? Are you that weak?”

It would take something like this for people to own up that unless it’s institutionalized, race differences are skin deep.

++++

The release plan for Children of Men by Universal. The film is going to find it’s audience. It’s just going to because it’s that great of a work.

But by the time the buzz becomes where it should be, the Oscars will be airing, and likely the film won’t be nominated. This was a buried job by the studio. While the Departed may win it all and bring Marty his first Oscar, it’s kind of a shame, because Cuaron’s work is that much better.

On another note:

I have an uncooked post about the best directed films of the decade.

The list portion follows:

5. Munich – Spielberg
4. Traffic and Ocean’s 11 – Soderbergh
3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
2. In the Bedroom – Todd Field
1. Batman Begins – Christopher Nolan.

I dreamed this up when I was watching BB almost daily, and doing the same with Prisoner of Azkaban when they were on HBO in the summer.

Anyway, I think the climatic scene pretty much nailed a spot on this list, though I’m not sure if he knocks off the Dark Night. But if Mr. Cuaron ever is to read this site, I say this:

And why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

I’m kind of glad something legitimate like Children of Men came along, because the top 3 movies on my list for this decade were LOTR: The Two Towers, The Incredibles, and Batman Begins. It’s nice to know this decade isn’t one of fantasy escapism in the wake of 9/11. Children of Men is the kind of film that should have been made in 2003, when the sense of what we could become with negative actions might have helped, you know, make W a one term aberration instead of a ruin on the world.

++++

So what would my worst of the year possibly be?

There are many reasonable choices.

And so I’ll bitch about Beyonce.

Mainly for “Irreplaceable.” The latest in the long line of sh-empowement (I think it’s funny if you read it as Shemp –owerment, but he never happened to the Three Stooges in my book.)

I have written before, she is one of the most destructive forces in America. It’s diva riffic life for her, and that’s all she writes about. At least Aretha sang about being in love for the right reasons… Beyonce is known to date one of the richest men of the world, and yet she’s got nothing but vitriol about life in her music.

So this song, which is about a rich woman throwing her boy toy out under suspicion cheating on her (honestly I’d be more forgiving of the travesty we are suffering to endure if there were actual proof, much like with W and WMD’s), and she kicks him out.

The “To da’ lef, to da lef” is a decent hook, but it’s empty because it’s needless righteous; I mean, a woman in a cougar position complains about taking a man into her life for companionship. Never does she mention the life lost, the investment spoiled, or the future soiled; it’s all about her.

What bothers me most is that she says “I can find another you in a minute/ in fact he’ll be here in a minute.” Avoiding the idea about rhyming a word with the same word, why the hell does she have another man ready? Isn’t this cheating if she is ready to move on after a mere 3 hours? She had a man ready, and yet she is bitter because her man had one too? I mean WTF!

Where is this song targeted to? I mean which woman in the world is a multi-millionaire who can buy a Bentley GT for her man, as well as designer clothes, and who has a mansion? How many of such people exist? And for god sake, how many of them would choose a lowlife like the man in the song? I’m almost tempted to ask, “Is this a black thing?” But it’s not about race or even gender, it’s about wealth, and why they hell would a woman smart enough to earn millions make such a blunder when it comes to a mate. I mean, Britney dumped her man (albeit much too late, but she got kids out of it), but really who is this song targeted to.

Are all artists today this vain?

Are we so enamored with them that their problems of financial freedom translate to mass art we can relate to. While I am sure this can be felt by women with deadbeat baby daddies or victims of abuse, it’s still not like Beyonce creates a familiar character, she’s just Beyonce in the song, not a character in a song, but a replication of her success.

In “Lost One” Jay Z writes about B being too attached to her work, so clearly she’s the selfish one. Even if she is a workaholic, hasn’t she at this point achieved enough to stop bitching about the petty stuff? She now has the ability to become something few people are, let alone a confident, black woman, a role model and a hero. In her art, she could transform herself into a great artist, someone who has the notoriety to return R&B to it’s glory, to stop worrying about sex selling the art because she has the marquee level to withstand career risks that most artists can’t.

But with her classic “black woman sitcom from the 80’s” MMMMMMMMN that opens “Irreplaceable” she’s clearly just selling to her base.

It’s like the CEO of Home Depot getting 250 million in severance for lowering the stock value of the company; the head of Enron avoiding judgment by dying in Aspen; she is getting rich by making the world worse.

Like the other two, and many more that could be listed, she is being rewarded for making the world lesser than when she became involved.

In her mind, the only victim is her. That’s a hard sell for me, a guy making somewhere around 37 G a year, and still toughing it out at times. I know many women who are making much worse, and yet still look to women like Beyonce for inspiration. I just wonder, what’s there to relate to. She had no struggle, she had no dark hours; the world was handed to her on a platter at 17. It’s not just a matter of who is she to complain, it’s that she continues to pretend she’s one of us.

++++

But on another note…as the world grows smaller via myspace, cable, satellite, and the net allow us to find new texts and media to love. While I am sure few people are familiar with everything I mentioned on this post, I am equally sure that it’s possible that someone stumbles upon this and knows nothing of what I wrote.

The era of the “Culture of Choice” is upon us, and the end is a world of entertainment at ones fingertips. The problem is, unless you watch something with a person, it’s hard to share media anymore. There is so much out there now everyone can find exactly what they want. In the wake of this is solitude… who are we as a county, state, or people if we don’t have familiar benchmarks.

For 40 years Looney Tunes was the only cartoon made for kids. Now, not only is there a network devoted to old cartoons, there are knock off channels. What used to be the joy of Saturday morning is now every day and every hour.

It’s hard enough working with people who have English as a second language; it’s bitter to know that they don’t know what you do. 20 years ago, I’d bet that a border crosser who barely spoke English at least knew of the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. Even if he couldn’t articulate “dynamite into a wall” we’d still be talking about the same cartoon.

Left are we but with fragments to build a bridge. Sadly, the common ground is shrinking.

But this is for me and all those who grew up on it.



For those who don’t know, I hope you find it. For those who do, I hope I am not alone in the idea that I will show Looney Tunes to my kids on DVD.

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